A

2 04 2013

Astonishingly, Aristotle Amato’s always amazingly attired Australian Aboriginal attorney, Amaroo Alba, already anticipating another abundantly absurd argument about amorous Amazonian alligators attacking albino Argentinean alpacas, advised adventurous aunt Alexandra Amundson against abruptly appropriating attention as Arabian Admiral Anwar Al Anawaki accepts an award at Anchorage Alaska’s annual Aleutian American Awesome Alitteration Affair, and all attendees acted appropriately appreciative.






Rape is no Laughing Matter…

11 07 2012

…unless you’re raping a clown, says the t-shirt that T-Shirt Hell has sold on it’s website for maybe 10 years.

If you don’t know, Yesterday a blog post by a dumb chick about her experience heckling comedian Daniel Tosh went viral, and Tosh himself apologized. Somehow, people on twitter, bloggers, and some commentators in the national media made it known that he had crossed the comedy line, a line that they need to learn doesn’t exist. I shall comment on her story.

So, on Friday night my friend and I were at her house and wanted to get out and do something for the evening. We brainstormed ideas and she brought up the idea of seeing a show at the Laugh Factory. I’d never been, I thought it sounded fun, so we went. We saw that Dane Cook, along some other names we didn’t recognize we’re playing, and while we both agree that Cook’s style is not really our taste we were opened-minded about what the others had to offer. And we figured even good ol’ Dane can be funny sometimes, even if it’s not really our thing. Anyhoo, his act was actually fine…

I’m tempted to jump at Dane Cook’s defense, but I suppose it’s legitimate to not be a huge fan of his. I like him, but I admit I wasn’t totally on board when he became a rock star and sold out arenas. Still, being able to see a comedy show at a club with at least two comedy super-stars (who knows what other names they didn’t recognize) is a benefit of living in LA that she doesn’t seem to have much appreciation for. This is an experience that’s only available to people in New York and LA, and it’s hard to gain my sympathy when you benefit from this fact and display no discernible appreciation for it.

…but then when his was done, some other guy I didn’t recognize took the stage. Of course, I would find out later this was Daniel Tosh, but at the time I thought he was just some yahoo who somehow got a gig going on after Cook. I honestly thought he was an amateur because he didn’t seem that comfortable on stage and seemed to have a really awkward presence.

I’m trying to imagine seeing Tosh live without knowing who he is and making such an assessment. Maybe he really was nervous. Maybe he was trying something awkward. Or maybe this chick just generally doesn’t understand what’s going on in life. Tosh has the demeanor of a serial killer. He’s charming and threatening at the same time. As a comic, he’s a killer and has an amazing ability to make people laugh while tearing them down. He’s got crazy game, you might say.

So Tosh then starts making some very generalizing, declarative statements about rape jokes always being funny, how can a rape joke not be funny, rape is hilarious, etc. I don’t know why he was so repetitive about it but I felt provoked because I, for one, DON’T find them funny and never have. So I didnt appreciate Daniel Tosh (or anyone!) telling me I should find them funny. So I yelled out, “Actually, rape jokes are never funny!”

You’re allowed to disagree. Hell, the point of the bit is that you’re supposed to disagree. You’re not allowed to interrupt his comedy show that others are enjoying and paid to see just to tell everyone what you don’t find funny. You do not have that right. When you do this, the comic or management of the venue have every right to kick you out of the show. This is extremely childish behavior, akin to bawling for your mommy because there’s no milk for your Lucky Charms. You are a selfish asshole if you ruin someone’s art. You are an asshole if you burn a book, deface a painting, cut a film, or ruin a comedians bit just because you’re offended by it. At a comedy show, you have a right to express what you do and don’t find funny by laughing and not laughing respectively. If you’re shocked, you may widen your eyes, drop your jaw, groan, or even boo. You may not “correct” the comedian. He’s not your history teacher who absent-mindedly said the wrong year. He’s trying to do his job, to make people laugh. If you derail this process he will have to find a way to react that works, that makes people laugh even though you ruined his bit. If he ignores your act of stupidity, he will lose the audience, so he must address your disruption to succeed at his job. With many comics, you should expect to be embarrassed. With someone like Tosh, you should expect to be humiliated, to have ego utterly destroyed.

I did it because, even though being “disruptive” is against my nature, I felt that sitting there and saying nothing, or leaving quietly, would have been against my values as a person and as a woman. I don’t sit there while someone tells me how I should feel about something as profound and damaging as rape.

He wasn’t telling you how you should feel. He was doing a bit. You know this. You’re just trying to justify your cunty behavior to yourself and anyone who will listen.

The “as a woman” part leads me to wonder if this chick ever laughed at a joke directed at the comedy fountain of gold that is prison rape. Perhaps the t-shirt should say “…unless you’re raping your cell-mate.” Men and boys are frequently the victims of sexual assault and outright rape. Read all about that here
The stories are graphic and terribly unfunny.

After I called out to him, Tosh paused for a moment. Then, he says, “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now? What if a bunch of guys just raped her…” and I, completely stunned and finding it hard to process what was happening but knowing i needed to get out of there, immediately nudged my friend, who was also completely stunned, and we high-tailed it out of there. It was humiliating, of course, especially as the audience guffawed in response to Tosh, their eyes following us as we made our way out of there. I didn’t hear the rest of what he said about me.

You totally didn’t need to leave. You needed to be the center of attention and succeeded. Suddenly, the show was all about you and you couldn’t handle it. Did you think some dudes were about to stand up, look to Tosh for a nod of approval before tearing your clothes off and taking turns? That was so probably not going to happen. Most of the guys there were probably with their wives, girlfriends, or women they hoped to have voluntary sex with at some point.

I can honestly understand that you felt threatened, but you were really in no danger. Tosh makes people laugh by making them uncomfortable. You were the least civilized person at the show.

Now in the lobby, I spoke with the girl at the will-call desk, and demanded to see the manager. The manager on duty quickly came out to speak with me, and she was profusely apologetic, and seemed genuinely sorry about what had happened, but of course we received no refund for our tickets, but instead a comped pair of tickets, although she admitted she understood if we never wanted to come back. I can imagine the Laugh Factory doesn’t really have a policy in place for what happens when a woman has to leave in a hurry because the person onstage is hurling violent words about sexual violence at her. Although maybe I’m not the first girl to have that happen to her.

“Violent words” you say? There is no such thing. What the fuck ever happened to “sticks and stones…?”

[…]The suggestion of it is violent enough and was meant to put me in my place.

It was absolutely meant to put you in your place as a member of the audience and not part of the act. Mission accomplished.

The popular reaction to this story threatens stand-up comedy. It could do to comedy clubs and “blue” comics what Janet Jackson’s nipple did to FCC regulated media, and that scares me. This is all for now, but I’ll have more to say on this subject by the end of the week.






Why do Nice Guys Finish Last?

6 06 2012

This feels like such a cliche question to which everyone figured out the answer years ago, but it’s not. Dudes are still asking this as I type. Alex on Yahoo Answers said:

Women always talk about how they want a guy to be nice to them, but whenever i try this I get friendzoned. I’m seriously thinking that being a total d-bag towards women is the way to get them, because a lot of my friends treat women like crap, but do well with them. I always respect and try to understand women, and they tell me that I’m so sweet and cute. THEN they tell me about this guy they like who I know for a fact is a total d-bag. BAM immediate friendzone!! I’m not the best looking, but I’m definitely not totally ugly, and I’m pretty short for my age. Unless someone convinces me otherwise, I’m just gonna start being a jerk to women, because I know being nice to them will just make me “a sweet guy”. Will it ever change as I get older? I’m in high school. Do women even care about personality, because I’m starting to think they’re even shallower than we are. help me!!!

Okay, I’ll help you. First, you’re in high school and you’re presumably talking about girls who are also in high school, yet you call them “women.” Stop this! It’s weird and indicates that you deliberately misinterpret the behavior of these strange creatures. Women do not generally whine about wanting guys to be nice to them. This is something girls do.

If there’s one thing you need to know about girls it’s that they’re full of shit. Girls don’t talk to inform or convey ideas. They talk to handle and express their emotions. Their words are not to be taken seriously or literally. When she says she wants a guy to be nice, she’s expressing frustration with a guy not being nice, and if she weren’t into this guy, she wouldn’t be frustrated about it.

Girls are generally as clueless as you are about social dynamics and what they’re actually attracted to. Female humans are attracted to males with social status. Strength, power, wealth, popularity, dressing like a clown, and not giving a shit are things that convey this status. High school girls don’t understand this. They may actually want a guy who is nice without realizing that a nice guy does nothing for them. If there’s a difference between girls and women, it’s that women have a firmer grasp on who does and who doesn’t make them moist and why, and they’re also more apt to laugh at the sillier traits that work so well on younger chicks.

When a girl says you’re sweet or cute (to your face), she’s expressing the emotion she feels when she sees basket of kittens, except that you’re not actually that cute. She feels comfortable using words like this at you because they’re superficially good words. It sounds like a compliment, but, as you seem to realize, she’s actually expressing that she couldn’t even imagine liking you like that. The best course of action when you hear such words is to protest loudly and prove such accusations wrong. A completely inappropriate ass-slap during a heart-felt hug would be one way to do this. Pulling your dick out is probably ill-advised, but at least you don’t have to worry about going to real jail if you’re under 18.

Alex, things will change. Girls get a bit more sensible as they get older and become women, but this is not something you should wait or plan for. A 35 year-old woman can be shockingly childish. The big thing that will change is you. Even if you avoid actively bettering yourself with the ladyfolk, you’ll still manage to get laid by accident here and there and that will change your outlook enough to do okay.





How to Write a Number Guessing Game in C++

28 04 2012

Someone on Yahoo Answers had written a number guessing game in C++ for a class and was asking about adding a feature that alerts the player if he had already guessed the number he just entered. His code so far was awful but probably worked well enough for him. He had one goto statement and was counting the number of tries backwards for reasons I can’t imagine. I tried to explain what he should do to make the code easier to read and maintain and how he might add the feature. I wound up deciding to just re-write the whole thing. When I went to submit my answer, Yahoo Answers informed me that it was on break, as in broken. So I’m going to put here where it totally doesn’t belong.

It works using 3 nested do/while loops. The outer most loop contains the game and loops when our player wants to play again. The loop inside that is the game loop and it runs until a game ending condition is met (the player either guesses correctly or gives up). The loop inside that one gets the player’s guess and re-runs if the guess is outside the range of the game or has already been guessed.

The inner-most loop adds the functionality the student was asking for.

// includes go here
using namespace std;

// Let's define our constants
const int MIN_NUMBER = 1;
const int MAX_NUMBER = 100;
const int EXIT_VALUE = -1;

int main()
{
	// seed the random number generator
	srand((unsigned int)time(NULL));

	// initialize our program variables
	int games = 0;			// counts number of games played
	int wins = 0;			// counts number of games won
	int total_guesses = 0;	// adds total guesses together to calc the average at the end
	char again = 'n';		// will == 'y' or 'Y' if we want to play again

	// Let's save our title as a string so we can reuse it latter and ensure it doesn't change.
	char* title = "Unfrozen Caveman's Stupid Number Guessing Game";

	cout << "*** You are playing " << title << "! ***\n\n";

	do // This loop will exit when we don't want to play the game any more
	{
		// init our per game variables
	// set our target to a random number between MIN_NUMBER AND MAX_NUMBER
		int target = rand() % (MAX_NUMBER-MIN_NUMBER+1) + MIN_NUMBER;

The student’s code had a function to get a random number that wasn’t quite implemented properly. I found it unnecessary (to define an external function), but you can do that if you want. rand() % MAX_NUMBER will give us a random number in the range of 0 and MAX_NUMBER-1 (0 to 99). rand() % (MAX_NUMBER) + MIN_NUMBER will work as long as MIN_NUMBER == 1, but we don’t want our code to break if our constants are changed even if we don’t plan on doing so. If MAX_NUMBER==50 and MIN_NUMBER==25, our random number needs to be constrained by 26 (50-25+1) before 25 is added to ensure the number is within range. I hope that makes sense.

		int guess = 0;				// record our guess
		int guesses = 0;			// count our guesses
		bool game_over = false;		// this will == true when reach an end of game condition ( win or lose)

		// Let's declare and initialize an array to store all of our previous guesses with
		// enough elements to ensure we won't run out. If MAX_NUMBER = 40 and MIN_NUMBER = 20,
		// then we need 40-20+1 = 21 elements to cover the maximum number of guesses possible
		int old_guess[MAX_NUMBER - MIN_NUMBER + 1];
		for (int i=0; i			old_guess[i] = 0;

I hope this makes sense too. Worst case scenario is that our player guesses every single wrong answer before “winning”. In that case we need to have enough elements in our old_guess array to cover every single wrong guess (and his final correct one). We could eliminate the +1 here, but that would necessitate checking later on for this highly unlikely case.


		do // this loop will run until and end of game condition occurs
		{
			bool good_guess = false;

			// This loop ensures that our number is in range and hasn't been guessed already. This
			// loop could easily be another do-while loop, as it has to run at least once
			while(good_guess == false)
			{
				// Explain our range and ask for a guess within it.
				cout << "Enter a number between " << MIN_NUMBER << " and " << MAX_NUMBER << " (-1 to give up): "; 				cin >> guess;

				good_guess = true;

				// If the guess is our exit value, skip the other checks
				if(guess == EXIT_VALUE)
				{}
				else if(guess > MAX_NUMBER)
				{
					cout<<guess<<" is higher than the range of this game. Try again."<<endl;
					good_guess = false;
				}
				else if(guess < MIN_NUMBER)
				{
					cout<<guess<<" is lower than the range of this game. Try again."<<endl;
					good_guess = false;
				}
				else
				{
					for (int i=0; i					{
						if (guess == old_guess[i])
						{
							// if the player guesses a number he already tried, he should be verbally abused
							cout << "You already guessed that on guess #" << (i+1) << " you idiot!" << endl;
							good_guess = false;
						}
					} // end for
				} //end if
			} // end while

			// Now that we have a valid guess, let's save it in our old_guess array and increment our counter
			old_guess[guesses] = guess;
			guesses++;

			// now for our normal checking
			if(guess==EXIT_VALUE)	// Do we have a quitter on our hands?
			{
				// quitting calls for some verbal abuse
				cout << "*** YOU GOD-DAMNED QUITTER!! ***\n";
				cout << "The number was " << target << endl << endl; 				game_over = true; 			} 			else if (guess > target)	// Did he guess too high?
				cout << guess << " is too high. " << endl;
			else if (guess < target)	// Did he guess too low?
				cout << guess << " is too low. " << endl;

The student’s code did not give “too low” or “too high” hints until the player had guessed five times, drastically reducing the tiny amount of fun present in my (and everyone else’s) version of this game.

			else if (guess == target)	// This could just be an else statement, because all other possibilities have been covered.
			{
				if (guesses == 1)
					cout << "!!!!HOLY HELL!!!! You fucking RAINMANED that shit! Just " << guesses << " guess!\n\n";
				else
					cout << "*** YOU GOT IT!! ***\n It took you "<< guesses <				game_over = true;
				wins++;
				total_guesses += guesses;
			}

I didn’t want the game to say “It took you 1 guesses” if the player happens to nail it (Rainman it) on the first try, so I added a special vulgar message for such a case.


		} while (game_over == false);

		games++;

		cout << "Would you like to play again? "; 		cin >> again;
		cout << "\n\n";

	} while ((again == 'y') || (again == 'Y'));

The student’s code only permitted the player to play 256 times (a curiously square number). I can only guess that this was intended to be like the Nintendo Wii suggesting you go outside and play after playing with it for several hours. You know, cuz number guessing games are so addictive.


	// lets calculate the average number of guesses it took our player to win
	float average = float(total_guesses) / float(wins);
	cout << "Thanks for playing " << title << endl;
	cout << "You played "<< games <	cout << "with an average of " << average << " guesses per win\n\n";

	cout << "Hit enter to exit.\n\n";
	cin.ignore();
	cin.get();

	return 0;
}

Wasn’t that fun? So, yeah, I’ve been programming computers as a hobby since I was 12 or so. I’ve spent years away from it, but I’ve been getting back into it lately. Feel free to point out anything you don’t like about my code or to ask questions about it or about your own code. If you want to know how to show code on wordpress.com, check out this thing I just learned. You can no longer find this full code without interruption at PASTEBIN, which is where you should go if you need to share code with others on the interwebs for a fairly limited amount of time.





Fat Guy Says What?

7 04 2012

I just got a response to a very old post that I’m still quite proud of, Internet Mind-readers and the Fragile Fat Girl Ego. I don’t remember exactly what I said in that, but I felt really smart at the time.

I am 22 year old male who is 5′ 9″ and weighs about 220 pounds. Yes, I am fat. Recently this (fatter) black girl decided to randomly message me saying “your fat, ugly and not ok”. I sent her a bomb of an intellectual hate mail back and got banned.

That’s exceedingly hilarious. That presumably took place on some dating site, a detail that should be included if you’re telling a story about such an environment. “You’re fat, ugly and not OK” is God-damned funny! This should not bother you or make you upset in any way. If this took place on OKCupid, the proper response would have been to go on the forums and share the experience. Generally, nothing good comes of expressing anger at people on the internet.  If you got that upset, you do, in fact, have a fragile ego of a fat girl, if not worse. That’s pathetic.

I think people who objectively spread negativity at random are immoral cunts (be them guy or girl). Being fat is one thing but causing others pain because that’s a coping mechanism for their ill head that’s worse.

Geezus. I know you’re pretty young, but you’re old enough to learn that you’re thinking like a child. There is no practical reason for passing moral judgement on anyone’s being fat or acting thoughtlessly. You’re doing this so you can compare yourself to her, so you can paint her as the bad guy and yourself as the victim. This is not necessary! The facts speak for themselves! She said something mean to you that hurt your feelings, but you should have immediately recognized her words as meaningless.

And in this person’s mind they do not associate with themselves being fatter than me; their mind defends itself from believing that and they hypocracize and who knows becomes a serial killer of fat men.

Yes, the behavior is clear some sort of defense mechanism or projection or something like that. The only reaction this shit deserves is that you look down at her and laugh at her. If you’re a bit evolved it should give you pause, make you wonder if your own brain is so equipped to fool itself.

In my defense, I have had therapeutic chemical tools for the last 3 years that made me gain 33% of my body’s weight in the process. I was a healthy 155 pounded human being. Now I weigh 220 pounds.

Why do you talk like this? Is English your second language? You should clearly state that you’ve been on some drug that made you fat. This is a common and commonly understood phenomena. You could even say what drug it is! Your privacy is pretty safe here. Nobody knows who you are and nobody cares!

I am confident and content and know I need to lose weight to reduce my hypertension among other things. But I guess my argument stands, pass in nice thoughts you want to communicate to others.

What argument? Maybe you made one in your head, but you haven’t done so in this message. You don’t sound confident or content. If you were, you wouldn’t be so upset about things of no consequence.

You’ll most likely not meet anyone you talk to on the internet because the temptation to falsify info and make fraudulent dating accounts is to be expected.

A lot of people end up in relationships with people they’ve met through the internet, including me. Although, the level of attention most guys get on dating sites is underwhelming, to put it mildly. The numbers are such that fat chicks will confidently reject fat dudes. Have a profile up here or there, but don’t take this shit seriously. Doing so makes you appear desperate (which you clearly are). Don’t take yourself too seriously in your profile, don’t put a lot of energy into contacting girls, have no expection that any of them will ever reply, and for God’s sake don’t get excited if a chick messages you. If you’re going to burn calories meeting women, do so in meatspace. This can help turn you into the kind of dude women find attractive.

And someones profile photos are most likely to be outdated. And peoples sexual orientation is most likely inaccurate, especially in younger crowds.

What the fuck are you talking about? Inaccurate photos are a always possible, and I feel strongly that people should meet as soon as there’s a hint of mutual interest, before you feel like you have anything to lose, when you have no expectations. Of course, you could be the type of person who always has expectations, but having them crushed a few times should put an end to that nonsense. I have no idea what you’re on about regarding sexual orientation. What is in it for anyone to lie about that?

People are testing the waters, and for our audience’s sake lets hope that someone who posted an outdated fat picture loses weight.

Okay. I’ll put that near the bottom of my list of things to hope for. Who cares?

The most important question to ask yourself is: do we want whats best for ourselves vs. Do we want whats best for ourselves and others? Helping others in turn helps you.

That’s not the most important question for me to ask myself. I have a strong desire to attempt in futility to make the world a better place by arguing with idiots and saying things that most people are too God-damned nice to say. I don’t need anyone to talk me into helping others, including people I’ll never meet who I don’t personally care about. If I need anything, I need the opposite. I need to be reminded that I can’t fix the world and that most people are too dumb to ever get it.

Why not ask a fatties you’re attracted to be your work out buddy or better yet, ignore them alltogether.

I’m not attracted to fatties. Nobody is! That’s kind of been my point!

hope I corrected some of your thoughts.

You’re fucking delusional if you think coming to my blog and crying some emotional nonsense at me would get me to think differently. Anyway, you seem like a nice kid who’s mommy lied to him his whole life about him already being good enough. You’re not, and you never were, but you can get better. I’m not even talking about you being fat. Grow up and become a man.

I kind of want to try and help you, but I’m out of gas for now, and I don’t fully understand what your problem is. I honestly don’t know why you’re angry.