30 things that every guy should know about Girls

10 07 2009

I don’t know who wrote this list, but it smells like a foolish young woman. It’s usually a bad idea to take advice on women from women. This could’ve been written by a high school girl, except that the spelling and punctuation isn’t bad enough. There are a lot of lists floating around like this. I think they should be examined critically.

1. Whatever you do, don’t just show up at their house…they run around in their underwear just like we do.

Wait, just like we do? Was this written by a guy? Anyway, just showing up at a girl’s house is fine sometimes. You can learn a lot from her reaction. What do you think people did before cell phones or before any phones at all?

2. DON’T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.

The author of this list doesn’t like being cheated on and thinks that she can scare guys into not doing so. There are men who cheat and cheat and cheat and never get caught. I don’t advocate it, but if you’re smart about it and your girlfriend isn’t particularly bright, you can get away with it. Women are much better at getting away with it though.

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn’t even wait for the damn hat.

OOOh, beware. Nobody’s ever kicked my ass over a girl. I wonder what constitutes a “drop of a hat.” Such threats are to be ignored, as are the girls who issue them.

4. NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them they’re beautiful.

Bad idea. Of course, girls like being told stuff like this, but there’s usually little to gain by doing so.

5. DON’T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it’s because they’re jealous.

Or maybe they’re laughing because you’re kissing a cow. A kiss is fine, but making out in front of people (like at a table) is rude.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

The implication is that women are always right. This is clearly absurd. If the government locks you up indefinitely without a trial, it’s because you’re a terrorist.

7. Don’t be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they’re going out with you in the first place, it’s because they like being in your arms.

Best rule so far, but you can take this too far.

8. If you don’t sleep with them, DO NOT tell your friends that you did.

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, DON’T tell your friends that you did.

The author doesn’t want people knowing how slutty she is.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really…most of them are not offended by it…

Whatever. Be dirty-minded in public.

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.

That is not the most attractive quality in a woman, but if she can eat like a whale without looking like one, it’s all good. I suspect the author has surprised more than one guy with her voracious appetite.

11. Most of them don’t mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you’re a pussy..

11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

Oh, what the fuck? Paying for everything all the time makes the guy a pussy and the girl a whore. For the record, I do need all my money that much. I get to pay child support.

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, ONE OF HIS SWEATSHIRTS, and a really PRETTY RING. Even if it’s not a serious relationship.

How many sweatshirts am I supposed to own?

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you’re dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren’t dropping her off, call to be sure she’s home safely.


14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.

No, no it’s not. Girls aren’t worth getting into fights over. You can get hurt, 86-ed, arrested, or worse. Go ahead and protect her, but don’t start a fight. That’s stupid.

15. If you’re talking to a female friend of yours, PULL YOUR girlfriend closer.

This might not be a bad idea.

16. NEVER, ever slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, “Oh, you’re so dumb” or something, never make any gestures back.

The ass is the only place you should slap a woman.

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn’t care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

That’s right. She doesn’t care if you enjoy it. She’s selfish like that.

18. You’re dead meat if you can’t get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

Be yourself. Be the same guy that she likes.

19. Don’t flirt with their moms…that’s just freaky.

If you really want to freak her out, flirt with her dad.

20. Don’t be freaked out by PMS. It’s not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.

Um, ok. Is this a problem that needs to be addressed? PMS, O NOES!

21. If you don’t like the way they drive, you do it.

Sure. Although, anyone who drives ever should know how to do so properly.

22. If you’re officially dating, and you’re introducing her to your friends, you’d better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

I don’t care for this threatening language.

23. Don’t stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

No. Find fun and interesting things to do.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

Rubbing doesn’t make everything feel better. Don’t do this if her ovaries hurt.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you’re play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

Whatever. I haven’t broke one yet. I wonder what motivated the author to include this. Are guys accidentally injuring their girlfriends all the time?

26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you’re basically screwed for life.

That’s a bit dramatic.

27. Don’t marinade the cologne, but smell good.

You mean, don’t marinate yourself in cologne? I just assume that everyone wearing lots of perfume/cologne is hiding a much worse odor.

28. Don’t give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s day. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.

Inexpensive and meaningful = stupid. Really, the stupider the gift seems to a guy, the more she’ll love it.

29. If you think the relationship isn’t going to last, don’t wait to find out. It will only hurt her more if you draw it out.

So? When facing the end of a relationship, a guy is far more concerned with his own feelings than hers.

30. After you’ve been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

If this power can be lost so easily, you don’t really have it, and most guys would not kill for it. There might be one guy who would, but he’s a complete loser. I’m forced to ponder the motivation behind this one. What is it that our author didn’t get from someone that this is addressing?

I also found another list with 2 items in need of a response.

3. A girl can’t find anything to hate about the guy she loves.

5. If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind. [more like 24/7]

No, that’s not love. That’s infatuation, which is always temporary. Thinking that this is what love is much of what drives married women to cheat and/or divorce. In fact, I think it’s normal to hate certain things about someone you love. If you didn’t love them, you wouldn’t care. Right?

43. When you play games always let her win.

Not a chance.




One response

12 07 2009

Holy fuck, where did you find this shit? That was definately written by an eighteen year old girl who probably feels she is terribly wise by two bad high school relationships. Good rule of thumb, if you find a female that agrees with any of the above said, run. Run like mad and protect your junk in the process.

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