Dear Asshole

26 01 2010

From here:

DEAR ABBY: I have chosen to celebrate my children’s birthdays with family and one friend. I want my children to understand early on that birthdays are not about getting loads of gifts, but to celebrate life with family. We are invited to many parties for their friends and classmates, but I have always chosen to attend only those of our close friends.

I find it disheartening to watch children these days rip into a bunch of gifts and toss them aside without saying thank you or even commenting on the gift. It’s all about the next package and the volume.

Because of this, I’m considering no longer giving a gift but making a donation to a charity in honor of the birthday boy or girl instead. But I’m worried about the reaction I’ll get from friends. On the other hand, I feel much better about donating to a worthwhile charity instead of another toy for children who already have so much these days. Is a donation appropriate instead of a gift? — WONDERING IN BIRMINGHAM

DEAR WIB: You are one miserable cunt. A donation to charity in someone else’s honor is fucking snotty, stuck-up, and stupid thing to “give” to an adult, but to try this lame move with little kids displays a hatred for all that is fun. You say something about celebrating life, but you have to know that doing this would only confuse and disappoint these kids. It might not bother you if other people’s children don’t like you, but you’re setting your own kids up to be hated. Ask your therapist why you need to make other people miserable to to feel good about yourself. This is the kind of stuff they’ll remember at your funeral.

DEAR ABBY: “Happy Being Me in Massachusetts” (Nov. 20) is a large girl whose mother told her “heavy women are not desirable.” Well, I was a size 18/20 and weighed more than 200 pounds when I met my husband while out with mutual friends. He’s good-looking, smart, witty, affectionate and passionate. He’s everything a woman looks for in a life partner.He had never dated a plus-size woman before, but he was smitten from the moment he saw me, and pursued me from the start because he thought I have a beautiful face and a great personality. We have one child and another on the way, and he finds me as appealing now as he did the night we met.

No woman should ever “settle” for a partner, and “Happy” should not do so just because her mother thinks she’s “too heavy.” That mother is trying to pass her low self-esteem issues along to her daughter, and I hope “Happy” is savvy enough to brush it off. Big girls can be sexy, too, because there’s nothing sexier than confidence. — MICHELLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MIM: With the lone exception of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, everybody settles. Your husband certainly did. If he’s happy, good for him. However, big girls really can’t be sexy in the eyes of most men and a hot body is several orders of magnitude sexier than confidence for men. Confidence is the primary trait in attracting women, but physical appearance is primary to attracting men.

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A Bong and a Leprechaun

12 01 2010

In lieu of writing, I give you this:





What Do You Do?

10 01 2010

I hate this question. I’m a machinist, and it seems that most people have little to no idea what that is. I tell them this, and if they think they have a clue what a machinist is they ask where I work. I say Tempe. Then, they want to know the name of the place where I work. It’s very small. Nobody’s ever heard of it, so if give the name, I have to repeat myself and insist that it’s okay if they don’t know what I’m talking about. If they don’t know what a machinist is, they want me to tell them.

I’m going to start telling people that I’m a bathroom attendant. Everyone knows what that is.





Envy

8 01 2010

Sometimes I actually envy the apparent innate ability of women to be bisexual.