Dear Asshole, Volume 2

28 02 2010

Dear Abby is funny to me. People come to her with some of the most inane non-problems I’ve ever heard anyone complain about, and sometimes they ask for help with very serious problems, but whatever the case, every question is worded in the most gentle of tones as if everything were a question about etiquette.

DEAR ABBY: The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?

You guessed it. He said, “Giving up sex with you.” I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.

I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband’s life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? — LOST THE BATTLE TO CHARDONNAY

Oh, that’s funny. But seriously, Ugly Wife, your letter is lacking on details. We don’t know how much he drinks, how old either of you are, how long you’ve been married, or what you look like. It may be that your husband’s a serious alcoholic and knows he can’t live without his wine. It could be that you husband’s sex drive has fallen to zero for some medical reason. It might be that he doesn’t find you sexually attractive. If you’re writing to Dear Abby, you’re probably old and overweight. So it’s probably mostly that one. To answer your question, yes, it is wrong to feel so heartbroken.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is constantly passing gas. She does not care where she is or who is around. I have worked in the trucking industry for almost 30 years and never ran across anyone as flatulent as she is.She is young and attractive, but there is nothing less appealing than feeling “frisky,” getting into bed and hearing the trumpet sounds. I have recommended she see a doctor, but she laughs it off and says, “Everyone does it.”

I can’t believe I’m the only one with this problem. I could really use some “sound” advice, Abby. — BLOWN AWAY IN ALLIANCE, OHIO

This is clearly a joke. Girls don’t fart.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend is very sweet. The problem is, she wants to have sex with me. I don’t think I am ready for that. I also don’t know how to approach my parents about this. I really need some help — fast! — NOT READY IN PENNSYLVANIA

Poor kid. What should he do?

DEAR ABBY: My mother recently passed away. She and Dad were married 52 happy years. Over the years, Mom received a few Christmas cards from “Linda,” my brother’s girlfriend 30 years ago.Dad found Linda’s address and let her know about Mom’s passing. Now he says he and Linda have become good friends. Dad says they’re “only friends” and Linda is someone he can talk to. We are very upset about whatever relationship they have. My brother and I and our children want to be the ones to comfort Dad and be comforted by him. It has been only two months since Mom’s death.

He talks to Linda about everything. They have even discussed the details of Mom’s grave marker. Linda says Dad is the father she never had. (Her father is still living.) I confronted Dad about it, and we had a huge argument. Are we wrong and insensitive for disapproving of his closeness with this woman? — FALLING APART IN TEXAS

Yes and yes. Be happy that he apparently waited for your mom to die before he got close to another woman.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 13 years and have two children, 7 and 9. About a year ago, my 41-year-old husband befriended an 11-year-old neighbor girl, “Lacey.” Lacey is charming, friendly and plays with my children.

They did this on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”

I have told my husband I am concerned and that it may be an unhealthy relationship, but he becomes angry and insulted and says it’s an innocent friendship. Others have also voiced their concerns to him because they see the same things I do. On the other hand, her parents think the friendship is innocent.

Abby, am I overreacting? Should I view it as an innocent friendship, or could there really be a problem? — WORRIED WIFE DOWN SOUTH

It scares the crap out of people when adults are friends with children they aren’t related to, especially male adults and female children. It probably should, but people who have “neighborhood socials” are likely prone to overreact to shit that doesn’t matter. I wonder if this guy will start an adult relationship with Lacey 30 years from now when his current wife dies. I further if he’s considered this. I have no advice for the woman. I just wanted to share this. Depending on the details, this could be pretty bad.

EDIT: I don’t know what happened, but the first part of the last letter got cut out. I put it back now.

New Look

22 02 2010

I didn’t like the way my old theme was making certain things look. I think this one looks much much better. The first person to correctly tell me who that is in my header above gets 305 points.

My old theme is called Sapphire. This is called freshy.

Internet Mind-readers and the Fragile Fat Girl Ego

20 02 2010

It is as though it is my never-ending quest to make fat girls cry. Once again, I’ve found something to talk about on OkCupid’s forums. The other day, someone started a thread on titled “Fat people need their own site“, complaining that OkC shows him “matches” that he has no interest in, fat girls. On one level, I can sympathyze here as I’ve seen this myself. The site will try to introduce users to members they might be interested in based on their very interesting (but mostly nonsense)  matchmaking pseudo-science. However, dealbreakers such as being fat are completely ignored. On the other hand, there are two problems with the site for fat people. First, fat people don’t necessarily need to be paired up with other fat people. Second, there already is such a thing.

Being insensitive to the heavyset crowd doesn’t go over well. Predictably:

emote_control: Men who aren’t interested in fat women don’t complain about them.  They just look for women they’re interested in.  Men who complain about fat women are trying to overcompensate for the shame they feel at being attracted to fat women. They make all sorts of noise so that nobody will suspect they’re all about buttering rolls.  It’s tragic, really.  They should be out and proud about their fat girl love.  Otherwise they’re living a lie, and will wallow in misery.

First, I don’t like that he puts two spaces after each period, even though that’s what I was taught to do in elementary school on an Apple IIe. Second, this is complete nonsense. I have seen this kind of illogic before, but I don’t quite know how to address it. You may have heard that men who complain about homosexuals are themselves secretly gay. You may believe it. In many cases, it may well be true, but you must understand that you cannot logically conclude that someone has a secret love for anything simply because they claim to dislike it publicly. It seems to make sense regarding homosexuality as there can are high personal and social costs to accepting and declaring one’s homosexuality, and we understand the concept of protesting too much.

I hate mushrooms. I’m serious. I mean, I don’t just hate eating mushrooms. I hate seeing them or smelling them. I don’t like knowing that other people eat them. If you have just concluded that I secretly love mushrooms, I hate you too. Discerning someone’s secrets comes from the fairly non-scientific but very real and useful art of reading people, as in poker. I do not take anyone seriously who presumes to be able to employ this skill to any great effect through the internet, particularly on strangers. If police detectives suspect you may be involved in a serious crime, they will come to you or take you in and interrogate you in person. They will not e-mail you a list of questions. It is difficult enough to detect sarcasm. I assume, when I see people reading minds on the internet, that they’re projecting, but I don’t make that claim. I think this is a logical fallacy that needs a name. Someone help me.

Back to the thread…

After that, the first sympathetic reply mentioned how body type is not selectable as a match criterion, while a slew of other things are, such as zodiac sign. I must say that is rather curious. Here are all the things you can filter your search with:

  • Any combination of gender and sexual orientation (such as girls who like guys or bi girls only)
  • Minimum and Maximum age
  • Limit to within 25/50/100/250/500 miles of your zip code or any other zip code
  • How long ago they were last online
  • Exclude profiles without photos
  • Show only those who are single
  • Join Date
  • Keywords
  • Ethnicity
  • Height
  • What someone is looking for (such as long-term relationships, casual sex, etc.)
  • Smoking
  • Drinking
  • Drug Use
  • Religion
  • Zodiac Sign
  • Education
  • Job Income
  • Pets
  • Language

So, there’s all of that, but no way to exclude those who are too fat or too skinny. Why might this be?

Another mangina jumped and disagreed with emote_control above, introducing his own theory to explain why men complain about fat girls.

carlosisgod: Nah, it’s more along the lines of them being petty, spineless dicks who are looking for an easy scapegoat to pick on cause they’re overcompensating about how hopelessly mediocre and boring they really are in life.  Oh my gosh, look at the brave man picking on overweight people.  What a fucking hero.

I don’t know that this really needs to be replied to. Understand that nobody’s really said anything all that mean about fat people. Not yet anyway. Not until I had to go ahead and say this:

[…] I also think it’s valid to complain about the extremely fat people who take up more space than a human ever should.  They gross me the fuck out, not just with how they look but also they’re public eating habits.

While I’m complaining, I’d like to complain about how every time a TV news show decides that obesity is news they show all these shots of fat people walking around from the neck down. I don’t want to see that shit. And then they almost never have any useful information for fat people who want to lose weight.


You’re not an “extremely fat person.” I’m talking about the tubs of goo who ride the scooters at Walmart when they’re buying their cookies and ice cream, people who wear sweatpants because that’s all they have that fits.

You might not see much of that, but I do and I can’t stand it.

In hind sight, none of this really needed to be said. It wasn’t even all that relevant here, but I really do feel this way and it just came out. Americans disgust me. It bothers me that so many people here are so fat. Does it make you a bad person? Not really, I suppose, but if I see your fat thighs because you’re wearing sweatshorts at a sit-down restaurant as you stuff your face with shit you don’t need to be eating, I’m going to be offended. If I see another fat fuck buying junk-food with food stamps, it will make me angry. My complaint about fat people taking up too much space refers specifically to taking up too much highly demanded space. If you are a woman over 300 lbs, it will bother me to see you in a crowded bar or club. Wherever you go, you’re in the fucking way, and I don’t see how you or anyone else benefits from your being in such a place. Fat guys who are in the way bother me too, but not much more than all guys who are in the way bother me. In the context of the thread, I suppose my words were uncalled for. Maybe I really do want to make fat girls cry. Or maybe I’m just angry and like to rant.

Thankfully, the fat people’s savior decided to set me straight.

carlosisgodOh no, you’re so fucking oppressed.  What a sob story.  Who the heck are you to judge and dehumanize other people? What have you contributed to the human race?  Jack-shit.  You’re just another lazy shithead with an over-inflated sense of entitlement who’s got a chip on his shoulder cause his Daddy didn’t buy him the car he wanted when he turned sweet sixteen.  I know people who are obese who have accomplished more and contributed more to humanity in ten years than 99% of the people out there will ever accomplish or contribute in their entire fucking lives. The difference between them and you, is they wouldn’t begrudge you a damn thing.   You’re an imbecile and a whiner and an ingrate.  You got every advantage a person could have.  You’re born in the richest country,  you obviously got money and time cause you’re on the internet and look at you.   Raging against people who have weight problems.  Oh, my god.   What a fucking hero.  You’re a black hole, you suck so hard, that even with all the potential in the world, you’re still nothing. There are millions of people who would die to get a chance to live your life and have your opportunities,  and all you can do is squander it, whining about people you don’t know from fucking atom, who are already facing legitimate problems of their own.  And you talk about them being a waste of space?  Take a good long look in the mirror before you judge other people you gutless coward.

This is amazing. I’m going to save it forever. I’ve never had anyone put this much effort into hating me on the internet. I don’t know how complaining about something in my life constitutes cries of oppression, but implying so is a great way to insult me and make me look stupid. Bravo. My dad actually did buy me a car when I was 17. It was a 1982 Chevy Citation that he paid $435 for. He bought it to drive while his vehicle being repaired. Then, he gave to me. The anecdote about fat bastards contributing to humanity is a fantastic non-sequitur. It’s as if I were arguing that fat people are subhumans who ought to be ground up and fed to the hungry, or at least that thoroughly suck at everything. Following that, he stands on the premise that people who live well have no right to complain about anything. This is clearly nonsense, though I understand not getting any sympathy from people who have bigger things to worry about. When Dennis Leary became rich and famous from being in movies, did he stop complaining about vegetarians, fruit-flavored beer, and not being allowed to smoke? Carlos speaks as if he knows a lot about me, but he doesn’t. He concludes that since I’m neither underfed in Africa nor overfed in America that I have no legitimate problems. The only assumption that I’ll make about him is that he has a fat significant other.

After that, we learn something interesting. We know that fat girls don’t like or want to accept that they’re weight makes them unattractive to men. It turns out that they also don’t like when they’re weight makes them attractive to men.

-I suggested a dating site for overweight people to my friend. She said she considered it, but found that most people messaged her just because being overweight was a turn on for them and they didn’t care about her personality.

-Yep. Been there, done that! It feels terrible to be objectified at any size. Being liked and being objectified and fetishized… not the same thing. 🙂 I would always rather be liked for being me. I’m fabulous that way 😉

Hot girls get attention “just for being hot” and they don’t seem to mind. I mean, it might be unwanted attention, but they certainly aren’t creeped out that their shape attracts such attention. This is where I decided that however fragile the fragile male ego might be, it’s got nothing on the ego of the fat girl. The angry men above are so valiant and heroic in their quest to protect the poor fat girl from truth and harsh words, like “fat.” If you want the truth, you can find it in this 2005 study(pdf). It is not written for the layperson, but it’s interesting.

From the summary:

…the centrally predictable fact from HurryDate events is that women’s desirability is dominated by their relative thinness, a finding consistent with data from personal ads (Lynn & Shurgot, 1984; Sitton & Blanchard, 1995). Such findings support both theoretical emphasis on men’s attention to physical attractiveness and lay intuitions that men care most deeply about women’s body size and shape.

They studied a large number of speed-dating sessions and found BMI to be the most significant factor in men’s preferences for women. They also found physical traits to dominate men’s desirability, which is somewhat inconsistent with my views, but I have some idea why. In the speed-dating events, participants had 3 minutes with each other opposite-sex participant, more than enough time to judge someone’s looks, but not nearly enough to judge their status. Yes, you can find out what someone does for a living in that time, but it’s not enough time to shit-test a man and find out if he’s a pussy.

Anyway, I like to share this ugly truth as much as I can so that larger women who are unsatisfied with the attention they get from men (or rather with the men they get attention from) will know the number one thing they can do to change that and that their sisters, girlfriends, gay guy friends, and heroic mangina nice guy friends are all full of shit.

We’re Different! Part III

18 02 2010

So, I just popped onto OkCupid and found an awesome example of the problems caused by failing to understand the differences between men and women when it comes to sexual attraction. I found this thread in the Help forum, which I think is actually for tech support.

This is the orignal poster:

Patman846: so i been on this site for almost a year now. i lost count on how many women i’ve messaged since then. most of them just don’t reply. it’s like they look at my picture & dont even do anything. be straight up with me: am i really that freakin bad looking that women just just can’t give a chance to? seriously i know that im no johnny depp, robert pattinson, brad pitt etc. but i dont think i look as horrible as “fat basterd” or “freddie kruger.” in fact i think i look real good since i lost 70 lbs. this past year. lol u should have seen the “big boy” pix i started with on this site. is there actually any women out there who care more about personality than looks? im sure there is. correct me if im wrong but aren’t the more “hot musular skinny” lookin guys more likely to cheat on their girl than an average would? i mean no wonder women are always gettin broken hearts. see that what happens when you care more bout the looks than personality

Oh, dear God. You’re a mess. Your shift keys don’t work, and you mix plural and singular. These make you appear stupid, which isn’t very attractive to women. Plus, you think your think looks matter that much. Quit thinking that women are like men. “More likely to cheat” means that a guy is desirable, and must be better. Women are not wired to worry so much about infidelity because it is not necessary for them to pass on their genes, and the man who has many women is likely to be more able to protect a family (higher physical dominance/status) than one who has none. This is not to say that they don’t care, but they are wired quite differently when it comes to sexual attraction.

Then this less hopeless guy popped in:

freedom999: I would wager that looks are as important to a girl as they are to a guy.

Natural selection my friend.

At least you can lose weight to make yourself more desirable. I’ll always be 5’5 and considered “too short” for many to even consider; even though being tall enough to look over fields of grass for predators isn’t a vital element of our survival anymore.

You’re all kinds of wrong. Looks are not nearly as important to a girl as they are to you. Looks really only come into play if you’re considered hot, which most guys aren’t, but a man does not need to be hot to be successful with women. OkCupid researched this and noticed that women on the site are far more picky about which men they say they find physically attractive than they are about who they message and who they respond to.

Being too short means more than that. A taller man is more likely to be able to protect his family from wild animals and other humans. In the modern world it still comes into play as taller men still make better providers than shorter men, but that doesn’t really matter whether this trait is still useful as it’s a genetic trait, and your genes (and her genes) are in effect whether they’re useful or not.

Having said that, women here get a lot more attention here than men and can afford to be selective. Having little else to go on, your looks and height are going to come into play. I avoid women who are taller than me in their tallest shoes. Creepy or not, I prefer smaller women, but I have noticed many lopsided couples out there. FWIW, I’ve been told I’m hot enough times to believe it, and I got very little attention online when I did try.

…except from fat girls.

Also of interest (emphasis added):

Desi83 (an attractive 26 year-old woman): It says something about your lack of confidence that you automatically assume that you aren’t getting dates because you think women don’t find you attractive. Be proud of who you are, especially since you lost 70 lbs! Like someone said earlier, lose the glasses. Give us a big cocky smile in the outfit that you feel the most handsome. Confidence is sexy:)

Sometimes, women have good advice.

We’re Different! Part II

16 02 2010

D. Lynn Thompson writes:

Of course genders are different. Anyone who says otherwise is not too terribly observant. Gender is not something that can be removed. All people “do gender” in some fashion. To say that all members of any gender are the same, however would be misguided and equally unobservant.

Actually, part of my inspiration for the topic comes from a series of posts by someone who goes by 11minutes over at alpha status, titled “Women are all the same.” I highly recommend this for everyone, and I’ll link them all since they’re not all together. If you despise gender stereotyping and/or pick-up artistry, you might want to skip it.

Women are all the same: Part IPart IIPart IIIPart IV, & Part V

He contends that within genders, we are very much alike in terms of what we are attracted to, that we all want the same thing. Men all want physically attractive young women, and women all want the alpha male. They more literally want the same thing, as there is only one best. Attracting women is the number one thing a man can do to attract other women. A complaint that men often have is that women are interested in them when they are seeing someone and ignore them when they are single. This is why “yes” might just be the best answer to the questi0n “is she your girlfriend?”

In Part IV, 11minutes links to an interesting study showing differences between the qualities in a mate that people report looking for, and their behavior. Within genders, the behavior is quite similar, with men going for physical beauty and women going for earning potential. Now, the actual subjects of the study are young college students, and we don’t know if people in their 30’s or 40’s behave the same way.

D. Lynn Thompson asked:

Why are women sluts and whores but not men? Men can be, of course, but the labels are not generally there.

Really? That old question? The basis of this double standard is, I’m sure, genetic. For a male to ensure that his genes pass on, he needs to make sure he’s the one who gets his woman pregnant. This is a problem that obviously doesn’t exist for females. Females, as in other mammals, are attracted to the alpha. Whether or not they like this fact or even understand it, as I was saying above, women are drawn to men that other women are drawn to. There is a flip-side to this double standard which is that female virgins are prized while male virgins are considered losers. “Nice guys” do complain about this, and their frustration seems to stem from expecting women to be like they are and value purity. Pure women do not complain about this.

Basically, the difference between the sexes are more significant than we prefer to believe and similarities within the sexes in terms of mate selection are stronger than we think. If we recognize that these traits are more than cultural inventions, we can direct less energy at protesting them and more toward dealing with things as they are. I do think that many or all traits that primarily belong to one gender are sometimes present in the other. There are alpha females sometimes.