The Worst Day for a Dog to Die

1 04 2012

What follows is an actual facebook exchange that took place today between the Unfrozen Caveman and his Cavelady. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the grammar has been cleaned up to protect the guilty.

Unfrozen Caveman: Your mom’s dog, Princess* just died

Unfrozen’s Cavelady: haha

[ Cavelady did not like this dog, but I was very surprised to see this response. ]

That’s not nice. Your mom is sad, and Sunshine’s* crying.

OMG. I’m laughing so hard at my desk right now. I’m getting weird looks.

[ Once again, I don’t understand the reaction. She was getting weird looks from me too at this point. This is fascinating now, because I realize that I sort of filtered this out because it didn’t really fit in with my reality. My pattern recognition algorithms failed to make sense of this. At the same time, some part of my brain is working on re-calibrating my own sense of  humor. If she thinks this is funny, maybe I should too? We all do this, though I suspect few are aware of it. ]

She’s in a garbage bag now awaiting burial. Princess, that is…

[ I clearly have a pretty sick sense of humor as it is. ]

Be sure to help my mom lift her into the hole, she’s heavy and mom’s got a bad back.

[ Actually, digging the hole is going to be a pain in the ass ]

Yes, I got her in the bag and we moved it to the shade for now. They’re off to church.

LMAO

[ I must admit, going to church right after the dog dies is kind of funny, though I’m not sure why. Here I try to address the surprising coldness I keep encountering. ]

I’m happy that I won’t hear her barking, but i’m not THAT happy right now. Your mom’s not happy. Now she’s gonna want a puppy. I wouldn’t be shocked if she came home from church with a puppy

So, how did she die?

It’s a mystery. She went outside, laid down, and died. Heart attack or stroke, it seems. Your moms other dog better not follow suit.

[ This dog was nine years old and about 55 pounds. I had never witnessed a dog death before, so it seemed very odd. I really don’t know why this dog died. She was not overweight, and seemed to be in good shape.

We went on to discuss the new smartphone game that’s all the rage, Draw Something, for a few minutes. You should check it out. It makes me smile a lot.

Then, something happened. I saw the date. I saw that it was the first day of the fourth month. Understand, that it’s early in the morning and I should still be in bed. Gears start turning, some steam comes out my right ear, and it all starts to make sense. My pattern recognition software is suddenly becoming satisfied. ]

So, I just saw what day it is and thought you should know that Princess really is dead, in case you thought that was a joke.

Oh shit.

REALLY!?

[ Though I had figured it out, I was still surprised to learn that my suspicions were correct. I wish I could be so clever. I’m still not fully awake. ]

Oh, and I’m pregnant, by the way. I thought about posting that on facebook, but it’s being over used already. Then, I though about cancer, but that might be pushing it.

How about some really weird form of cancer? 

[ After I say this I realize to myself that there is at least one form of cancer for every part of the body that you could imagine there being ever cancer, as hilarious as some organs names may sound to my idiotic ears. Duodenum Cancer, for instance. So I try to split the difference. ]

Like toenail cancer?

Meh, I’m sure it’ll offend someone… and I don’t feel like dealing with that shit storm.

Okay seriously, you have my mom in on the joke too?? God, I’m going to feel like such an asshole if you guys are serious.

That’s hilarious. If you need me to text you a picture of a dead dog…

[ I really didn’t want to send the picture, but I can tell that she can’t commit to believing me or to calling bullshit, and I would really like to end that for her. ]

Your mom went to let the dogs in and Princess wouldn’t come. She was lying there not moving, and I heard it in your mom’s voice that she was scared. She went out there and came back and said, “she’s dead!” If your mom’s in on it, so’s the dog because she wasn’t moving.

[ The thought of a dog pretending to be dead on April Fool’s day as a prank makes me giggle like retard. But no, the dog actually died. ]

Anyway, when she said that, I thought “what? no way, just like that?” So, I checked out the corpse. She had one eye open, one closed, and her tongue was hanging out and had dirt and grass stuck to it.

FUCK… I hope you guys aren’t serious!

This is the worst and/or best day ever for a dog to die.

[ I’m laughing like the King of Idiots at this stage. I decided to share this thought with my facebook friends, keenly aware that her mom isn’t one of them. ]

Wait, there’s no way you would have gotten out of bed before they left for church.
You’re full of shit!

[ This is pretty clever of her. It is unlikely for me to get out of bed before they go to church. But she happens to be wrong. DEAD wrong in this case! Ha! She’s back to calling bullshit!  ]

I need a pickaxe.

You shouldn’t comment on my facebook status.

Why not?

Unless you already called bs on your mom… I wish I was so clever.

I haven’t responded yet.

[ Oh, that is a good thing. ]

At a certain point, when someone calls bs, you have to admit that they’re right.

[ I’m trying to plead my case here, awkwardly declaring that if this were a joke, I would have given up on it by now. But, as I think about it, I’m not even convinced that this is true. As long as doing so remains funny, there’s motivation continue insisting that your lie is true. I’m such a terrible liar now that I can’t convincingly tell the truth. ]

I’ve never been a fan of lying after you’ve been called out on it

Sorry? People like to lay it on thick on April 1st. How the fuck should I know?

I’m not upset.

[ I wasn’t. It’s funny, but she clearly feels bad. ]

I totally didn’t get why you reacted to the news with laughing. It did not occur to me [that it was April 1st] until I said it did.

You sent that message LITERALLY right after my coworker was telling me what her kids did to her this morning before work. I had forgotten, too.

[ I wasn’t clear enough here. She didn’t understand what I meant. ]

Anyway, your mom is actually upset. That’s all I’m saying. This is the funniest thing that’s ever happened on April 1st in my life. I bet this has happened with people too:
-Grandpa died
-HAHAHA
– :O

Okay, this is so fucked up, I just told my coworker what happened and we are laughing so hard we are crying.

I deleted your comment so your mom doesn’t see it.

Not because the dog died?

[ What? OMG she’s still giving me too much credit! ]

Her and I are not facebook friends. Are you still unsure?

OMG, I’m re-reading this whole exchange. FUCK! There was a time there you didn’t realize today was April 1st!

YES!

OMFG

I know you weren’t BFFs with Princess, but your response to the news of her demise was surprisingly cold. I’m thinking, “I just stuffed a dead dog in a trash bag, why is that funny?”

PLEASE TELL me you know that I would not find this funny on any other day of the year.

Of course! When I said that she died and you responded right away, I didn’t see it but I was sure you either said “wow!” OR “holy shit!” I came back and saw “HAHA.”

That was RIGHT AFTER Madonna*, my co-worker, was telling me about her April fool’s morning.

Tell me!

Oh, nothing too terrible, just fucked with her alarm clock and other silly shit. Then, to get back at her daughter, she jumped on her bed and woke her up shaking her saying “OMG HURRY GET OUT OF BED, YOUR DOG RAN AWAY AND SHE’S HEADING TOWARDS THE MAIN ROAD” and her kid got all upset and shit.

God is hilarious. What a sick bastard!

God is a dick.

* – Those are made up names, but you already knew that.

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