A

2 04 2013

Astonishingly, Aristotle Amato’s always amazingly attired Australian Aboriginal attorney, Amaroo Alba, already anticipating another abundantly absurd argument about amorous Amazonian alligators attacking albino Argentinean alpacas, advised adventurous aunt Alexandra Amundson against abruptly appropriating attention as Arabian Admiral Anwar Al Anawaki accepts an award at Anchorage Alaska’s annual Aleutian American Awesome Alitteration Affair, and all attendees acted appropriately appreciative.





The Worst Day for a Dog to Die

1 04 2012

What follows is an actual facebook exchange that took place today between the Unfrozen Caveman and his Cavelady. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the grammar has been cleaned up to protect the guilty.

Unfrozen Caveman: Your mom’s dog, Princess* just died

Unfrozen’s Cavelady: haha

[ Cavelady did not like this dog, but I was very surprised to see this response. ]

That’s not nice. Your mom is sad, and Sunshine’s* crying.

OMG. I’m laughing so hard at my desk right now. I’m getting weird looks.

[ Once again, I don’t understand the reaction. She was getting weird looks from me too at this point. This is fascinating now, because I realize that I sort of filtered this out because it didn’t really fit in with my reality. My pattern recognition algorithms failed to make sense of this. At the same time, some part of my brain is working on re-calibrating my own sense of  humor. If she thinks this is funny, maybe I should too? We all do this, though I suspect few are aware of it. ]

She’s in a garbage bag now awaiting burial. Princess, that is…

[ I clearly have a pretty sick sense of humor as it is. ]

Be sure to help my mom lift her into the hole, she’s heavy and mom’s got a bad back.

[ Actually, digging the hole is going to be a pain in the ass ]

Yes, I got her in the bag and we moved it to the shade for now. They’re off to church.

LMAO

[ I must admit, going to church right after the dog dies is kind of funny, though I’m not sure why. Here I try to address the surprising coldness I keep encountering. ]

I’m happy that I won’t hear her barking, but i’m not THAT happy right now. Your mom’s not happy. Now she’s gonna want a puppy. I wouldn’t be shocked if she came home from church with a puppy

So, how did she die?

It’s a mystery. She went outside, laid down, and died. Heart attack or stroke, it seems. Your moms other dog better not follow suit.

[ This dog was nine years old and about 55 pounds. I had never witnessed a dog death before, so it seemed very odd. I really don’t know why this dog died. She was not overweight, and seemed to be in good shape.

We went on to discuss the new smartphone game that’s all the rage, Draw Something, for a few minutes. You should check it out. It makes me smile a lot.

Then, something happened. I saw the date. I saw that it was the first day of the fourth month. Understand, that it’s early in the morning and I should still be in bed. Gears start turning, some steam comes out my right ear, and it all starts to make sense. My pattern recognition software is suddenly becoming satisfied. ]

So, I just saw what day it is and thought you should know that Princess really is dead, in case you thought that was a joke.

Oh shit.

REALLY!?

[ Though I had figured it out, I was still surprised to learn that my suspicions were correct. I wish I could be so clever. I’m still not fully awake. ]

Oh, and I’m pregnant, by the way. I thought about posting that on facebook, but it’s being over used already. Then, I though about cancer, but that might be pushing it.

How about some really weird form of cancer? 

[ After I say this I realize to myself that there is at least one form of cancer for every part of the body that you could imagine there being ever cancer, as hilarious as some organs names may sound to my idiotic ears. Duodenum Cancer, for instance. So I try to split the difference. ]

Like toenail cancer?

Meh, I’m sure it’ll offend someone… and I don’t feel like dealing with that shit storm.

Okay seriously, you have my mom in on the joke too?? God, I’m going to feel like such an asshole if you guys are serious.

That’s hilarious. If you need me to text you a picture of a dead dog…

[ I really didn’t want to send the picture, but I can tell that she can’t commit to believing me or to calling bullshit, and I would really like to end that for her. ]

Your mom went to let the dogs in and Princess wouldn’t come. She was lying there not moving, and I heard it in your mom’s voice that she was scared. She went out there and came back and said, “she’s dead!” If your mom’s in on it, so’s the dog because she wasn’t moving.

[ The thought of a dog pretending to be dead on April Fool’s day as a prank makes me giggle like retard. But no, the dog actually died. ]

Anyway, when she said that, I thought “what? no way, just like that?” So, I checked out the corpse. She had one eye open, one closed, and her tongue was hanging out and had dirt and grass stuck to it.

FUCK… I hope you guys aren’t serious!

This is the worst and/or best day ever for a dog to die.

[ I’m laughing like the King of Idiots at this stage. I decided to share this thought with my facebook friends, keenly aware that her mom isn’t one of them. ]

Wait, there’s no way you would have gotten out of bed before they left for church.
You’re full of shit!

[ This is pretty clever of her. It is unlikely for me to get out of bed before they go to church. But she happens to be wrong. DEAD wrong in this case! Ha! She’s back to calling bullshit!  ]

I need a pickaxe.

You shouldn’t comment on my facebook status.

Why not?

Unless you already called bs on your mom… I wish I was so clever.

I haven’t responded yet.

[ Oh, that is a good thing. ]

At a certain point, when someone calls bs, you have to admit that they’re right.

[ I’m trying to plead my case here, awkwardly declaring that if this were a joke, I would have given up on it by now. But, as I think about it, I’m not even convinced that this is true. As long as doing so remains funny, there’s motivation continue insisting that your lie is true. I’m such a terrible liar now that I can’t convincingly tell the truth. ]

I’ve never been a fan of lying after you’ve been called out on it

Sorry? People like to lay it on thick on April 1st. How the fuck should I know?

I’m not upset.

[ I wasn’t. It’s funny, but she clearly feels bad. ]

I totally didn’t get why you reacted to the news with laughing. It did not occur to me [that it was April 1st] until I said it did.

You sent that message LITERALLY right after my coworker was telling me what her kids did to her this morning before work. I had forgotten, too.

[ I wasn’t clear enough here. She didn’t understand what I meant. ]

Anyway, your mom is actually upset. That’s all I’m saying. This is the funniest thing that’s ever happened on April 1st in my life. I bet this has happened with people too:
-Grandpa died
-HAHAHA
– :O

Okay, this is so fucked up, I just told my coworker what happened and we are laughing so hard we are crying.

I deleted your comment so your mom doesn’t see it.

Not because the dog died?

[ What? OMG she’s still giving me too much credit! ]

Her and I are not facebook friends. Are you still unsure?

OMG, I’m re-reading this whole exchange. FUCK! There was a time there you didn’t realize today was April 1st!

YES!

OMFG

I know you weren’t BFFs with Princess, but your response to the news of her demise was surprisingly cold. I’m thinking, “I just stuffed a dead dog in a trash bag, why is that funny?”

PLEASE TELL me you know that I would not find this funny on any other day of the year.

Of course! When I said that she died and you responded right away, I didn’t see it but I was sure you either said “wow!” OR “holy shit!” I came back and saw “HAHA.”

That was RIGHT AFTER Madonna*, my co-worker, was telling me about her April fool’s morning.

Tell me!

Oh, nothing too terrible, just fucked with her alarm clock and other silly shit. Then, to get back at her daughter, she jumped on her bed and woke her up shaking her saying “OMG HURRY GET OUT OF BED, YOUR DOG RAN AWAY AND SHE’S HEADING TOWARDS THE MAIN ROAD” and her kid got all upset and shit.

God is hilarious. What a sick bastard!

God is a dick.

* – Those are made up names, but you already knew that.





Happy Birthday!

3 09 2011

Today is Maria Lucimar Pereira’s birthday.  She was born in 1890 and that makes her 121 years old today.  She’s presumably lived in the Amazon jungle in Brazil her entire life eating a very traditional diet the whole time.  According to a Huffington Post article, she’s been eating “a diet of fresh fish, banana porridge, root vegetables, and grilled meat, but she also avoids salt, sugar and processed foods.”  A BBC article says, “with regular dishes including grilled meat, monkey, fish, the root vegetable manioc and banana porridge, and no salt, sugar or processed foods.”  Some other article I read mentioned some other root vegetable.  The articles tend to mention the lack of sugar and “processed foods”, without acknowledging that making a porridge out of bananas is a process and that bananas have sugar in them.  They say nothing about grains or legumes which have been a part some humans’ diets for thousands of years.  Presumably, she hasn’t been eating them, and there’s no doubt she’s been living without the oils produced from these plants in factories that are a major part of the Standard American Diet (SAD).

This all fits in well with the paleo diet idea that humans have adapted to eating certain foods (wild animal meat, fish, root vegetables, and fruit) and are ill-equipped to deal with foods that have only been around for 10,000 or less years (added sugar, grains, seed oils, and dairy).  For some, this is the prescription for what we should eat.  For others, it’s just the starting assumption.  I like that approach, and if that sounds good to you, check out the Archevore Diet by Dr. Kurt Harris.

The major media news articles don’t really get much into the specifics of Ms. Pereira’s diet.  They spend at least as much energy focusing on Guinness World Records needing more proof to declare her the oldest living person in the world.  I’d like someone to go spend a few days with her, documenting her eating habits before she kicks off.  I also wonder what her great-great-great-grandchildren are eating.





Dwarf Fortress

12 02 2011

I found the most amazingly nerdy thing ever.  It’s a free modern PC game called Dwarf Fortress that has ASCII “graphics”, meaning it basically doesn’t have graphics.  Of all the games I’ve ever played in my life, it has the steepest learning curve by far.  This is largely because it is immensely complex, but the complicated and not-too-terribly intuitive interface contributes a great deal.  The game has two modes of play, with the primary mode being “fortress”, in which you control* a group of dwarves.  The basic task is to get them to survive and thrive in a dangerous world of goblins, underground monsters, and potential booze shortages.  Once players have scaled the learning cliff, they discover that the game isn’t really that difficult and attempt mega-projects, such as a 72-story stone dwarf that can pee both water and magma (though, not both at once).

Your dwarves do not have hit points.  They have all the body parts you’d expect them to have and their bones will break if they’re hit hard enough.  They have personalities and gain skill in whatever labors you task them to perform.  This can cause you to feel a great sense of loss when you foolishly order to your legendary miner (who you named “Dig-Dug”) to cause a cave-in that will ultimately lead to his death, which could’ve been prevented had you only managed to produce some soap for your hospital.  Much of the time, the game plays like a sim game that you can neither win nor lose, and then suddenly hostile invaders present themselves and hopefully you’re prepared for it.

If you were to try and play this I would highly recommend you keep your browser open to the Dwarf Fortress Wiki, which currently has 1185 articles; and that you download the Lazy Newb Pack, which includes several hacks utility programs and an interface that allows you to easily turn on and off features. It also includes the most popular tiles sets which dramatically improve the visual interface.

This game is not for everyone.  In fact, most folks are far more likely to enjoy reading or hearing stories of other people’s experiences than they actually would trying to play the game themselves.  Seriously, if stories involving magma, mad dwarves, burning goblins, and belligerent elephants sound interesting to you, check out the story of Boatmurdered, a fortress that some fine folks at Something Awful took turns playing, back in the 2D days.  Even if it sounds like your kind of thing, understand that the game is technically in alpha, has one programmer, and has numerous outstanding bugs and half-implemented features.

This game is one of the reasons I haven’t posted anything since Xmas.





Oh My!

9 12 2010

Ferdinand Bardamu, one of my favorite bloggers, over at In Mala Fide, has published the home addresses and telephone numbers of Julian Assange’s accusers, Anna Ardin and Sofia Wilen. I will not repost this info, make any effort to verify its accuracy, or suggest that anyone use this info for any purpose. According to the comments, the fine folks at 4chan (aka b-tards) have become aware of this information. Understand that 4chan is probably home to those who’ve been launching retaliation cyber attacks against those who’ve wronged Wikileaks/Assange, such as Amazon.com and the government of Sweden.

Prepare to be entertained. Get some popcorn and have a seat.

Also, Ferdinand and The Spearhead are both reporting a massive increase in traffic over the past few days, apparently because people are looking for info on these women and the major media outlets aren’t publishing it. I must say, I’m experiencing this too. I’ve never seen traffic like this before. It’s pretty fucking amazing.

While I potentially have an unusually large audience, I’d like to draw your attention to what Joseph Lieberman is saying:

Julian Assange, an Australian, is guilty of treason against the United States for publishing leaked documents? I don’t usually bother spending energy on hating people, but I really fucking hate this guy.





Mencken

12 06 2010

I’m reading Gary Taubes’s Good Calories Bad Calories, which has this gem of a quote from H.L. Mencken:

There is always a well-known solution to every human problem–neat, plausible, and wrong.

Taubes is referring to how ‘everyone’ knows that you should avoid eating fat to lose or avoid gaining weight, and ‘everyone’ is wrong.

This page has many more Mencken quotes. As a blashemous anti-democrat, I liked this:

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

My anti-feminist side likes this:

Misogynist – A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

Why representative democracy sucks:

A professional politician is a professionally dishonorable man. In order to get anywhere near high office he has to make so many compromises and submit to so many humiliations that he becomes indistinguishable from a streetwalker.

I really like this:

The fact that I have no remedy for all the sorrows of the world is no reason for my accepting yours. It simply supports the strong probability that yours is a fake.

It is incredibly difficult to argue against public policy when I advocate to alternative policy. Sometimes, my vastly superior alternative is to simply do nothing. “The President has to do SOMETHING!” No. No, he doesn’t.

Mencken’s views, more often than not, mirror my own. As a crazy person filled with unpopular ideas, that’s a rare find for me. Few westerners even question the nobility of the institution of democracy. Fewer still conclude that it’s awful, but Mencken did, and so have I. He wrote a bit about women and social dynamics. As someone who didn’t like men voting, he liked women’s suffrage even less. He was alive and writing before, during, and after prohibition, which he didn’t much care for, a movement that largely be blamed on women.

If that’s too politically correct for you, he also managed to say unkind things about Jews and blacks, though he seems to have simultaneously held both admiration and disdain for Jewish people. So, there’s that.





A Bong and a Leprechaun

12 01 2010

In lieu of writing, I give you this: