Why do Nice Guys Finish Last?

6 06 2012

This feels like such a cliche question to which everyone figured out the answer years ago, but it’s not. Dudes are still asking this as I type. Alex on Yahoo Answers said:

Women always talk about how they want a guy to be nice to them, but whenever i try this I get friendzoned. I’m seriously thinking that being a total d-bag towards women is the way to get them, because a lot of my friends treat women like crap, but do well with them. I always respect and try to understand women, and they tell me that I’m so sweet and cute. THEN they tell me about this guy they like who I know for a fact is a total d-bag. BAM immediate friendzone!! I’m not the best looking, but I’m definitely not totally ugly, and I’m pretty short for my age. Unless someone convinces me otherwise, I’m just gonna start being a jerk to women, because I know being nice to them will just make me “a sweet guy”. Will it ever change as I get older? I’m in high school. Do women even care about personality, because I’m starting to think they’re even shallower than we are. help me!!!

Okay, I’ll help you. First, you’re in high school and you’re presumably talking about girls who are also in high school, yet you call them “women.” Stop this! It’s weird and indicates that you deliberately misinterpret the behavior of these strange creatures. Women do not generally whine about wanting guys to be nice to them. This is something girls do.

If there’s one thing you need to know about girls it’s that they’re full of shit. Girls don’t talk to inform or convey ideas. They talk to handle and express their emotions. Their words are not to be taken seriously or literally. When she says she wants a guy to be nice, she’s expressing frustration with a guy not being nice, and if she weren’t into this guy, she wouldn’t be frustrated about it.

Girls are generally as clueless as you are about social dynamics and what they’re actually attracted to. Female humans are attracted to males with social status. Strength, power, wealth, popularity, dressing like a clown, and not giving a shit are things that convey this status. High school girls don’t understand this. They may actually want a guy who is nice without realizing that a nice guy does nothing for them. If there’s a difference between girls and women, it’s that women have a firmer grasp on who does and who doesn’t make them moist and why, and they’re also more apt to laugh at the sillier traits that work so well on younger chicks.

When a girl says you’re sweet or cute (to your face), she’s expressing the emotion she feels when she sees basket of kittens, except that you’re not actually that cute. She feels comfortable using words like this at you because they’re superficially good words. It sounds like a compliment, but, as you seem to realize, she’s actually expressing that she couldn’t even imagine liking you like that. The best course of action when you hear such words is to protest loudly and prove such accusations wrong. A completely inappropriate ass-slap during a heart-felt hug would be one way to do this. Pulling your dick out is probably ill-advised, but at least you don’t have to worry about going to real jail if you’re under 18.

Alex, things will change. Girls get a bit more sensible as they get older and become women, but this is not something you should wait or plan for. A 35 year-old woman can be shockingly childish. The big thing that will change is you. Even if you avoid actively bettering yourself with the ladyfolk, you’ll still manage to get laid by accident here and there and that will change your outlook enough to do okay.

Dear Asshole, Volume 4

14 04 2011

The following questions are from Yahoo Answers, which is my new addiction.  My answer to each question was picked as the best answer.

Where can I purchase boxes for shipping?

I am trying to find out where I can buy boxes to ship items out. The United States Postal Service gives you a variety of flat rate boxes to choose from, however it always seems that what I want to ship will not fit into any of them. Not to mention, it is almost always cheaper to ship them in your own box. Where can I find a variety of boxes in all sizes? Some of the places I have checked only have these designer boxes in fancy colors to choose from. All I want is a selection of cardboard boxes. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

UHaul and the UPS store sell boxes in certain sizes, but I prefer to get them for free from retail stores.  A 24-hour Walmart is your best bet if you go late at night while they’re stocking.  Tell someone working there you want boxes and they’ll probably give you a shopping cart full.  The asker was very pleased with this response.

Does it sound like this guy is interested in me?

there’s this guy i’m really into that i’ve been sneaking glances with for a while
and then someone introduced me n a friend to him, n altho he used to stare at me a lot, he was far more taken with my friend – talking to her more n making more eye contact with her.
he even goes up to her to make conversation whereas with me we both just say hi n that’s it

but he STILL looks at me!

like for instance today i was sitting with two of my friends, n i saw him (and he saw me) n we kinda looked at each other for a good three seconds before i just waved at me, then he made as if he didn’t notice it was me like he “looked closer” then waved back.. n we kept glancing at each other n stuff, n at one point he even pulled out a guitar n started playing quietly to himself (which is really out of character).

but then today he walks by my without as much of a glance.

does it mean anything? could he possibly be interested in me, but is just more taken with my friend because he feels awkward around me maybe? or am i just beating myself up for nothing?

This is very typical of Yahoo Answers.  “Does he like me?” is probably the most frequently asked question of all, followed by “how do I tell her I like her?” and “How do I lose X pounds in Y days?”  The lack of capitalization is also very typical.  I said:

If he’s more comfortable talking with your friend, it may be that he’s more comfortable looking at and talking to her than you because you make him nervous… because he likes you.

What I’ve been learning is that boys are usually clueless about girls and girls are pretty damn clueless about boys, most of the time.

Lesbian gf says she wants to look straight near hot guys?! What does that mean?

My gf just told me that she loves dressing gay but when she knows she is going to be somewhere around hot guys she wants to look straight. :/ would thus unconsciously apply that she wants to still look available for guys she finds attractive? Does it mean she secretly still wants to be with a guy? Should i leave this relationship? We have been together for 3 years and she has cheated on me for a guy b4. 😦

She’s attracted to guys and likes getting attention from them.  It’s not a secret at all.  It might have been a secret at one time, but it became pretty damn obvious once she cheated with a guy.

She sounds like someone who is a lesbian by choice.  I like that she “loves dressing gay.”

Americans should not care about the royal wedding?

our founding fathers led a revolution to get away from
england and have our own independence and i think its
anti american and anti patriotic to be all hyped up about
the british royal family our presidents are our royal
family so start honoring the presidents like clinton bush
obama washington and jefferson those are my royal
family who i declair my loyalty to where do my fellow
patriots stand?
This is also typical, using the site as a soapbox, in clear violation of site’s community guidelines.  I said:
I’m an American and I don’t know what wedding you’re talking about.
How’s that for not caring?
This was honestly the first I’d heard of such a thing, and I do now remember feeling the same way when I didn’t have internet and had to watch TV instead.  Back in the day, everything Princess Diana ever did was somehow newsworthy.  She seemed like a nice lady, but who honestly gives a fuck?  Now, however, I’m curious to see who’s getting married because Disney taught me that princesses are always super smokin-hot.  Let’s see…
Kate Middleton:
Hmm, she’s got a respectable body, but that face is just… not what you’d expect.  She looks kind of old to be marrying a prince.  I’m pretty sure if I was prince of whatever the hell Prince Bill is the prince of, I’d have higher standards.  She looks pretty good in some pictures and pretty blah in others, which just isn’t good enough to be a princess when you’re not born into royalty in my not so terribly humble opinion.  A princess should be one of the most beautiful women in the world.
Okay, I don’t know if posting the actual answers I used on there is a good move for Dear Asshole because I’ve found that you really need to be not be an asshole on Yahoo Answers.  The users are annoyingly sensitive to my insensitivity.

Dear Asshole, Volume 3

4 12 2010

The following was stolen from Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 40 years. Five years ago, she told me she didn’t want me in our bedroom and that she is “off limits.” She said she is not interested in me “that way” anymore.

Other than that, we have a great marriage

and we’re best friends, but I can’t go on like this. I have suggested counseling, but she refuses to go. What do you think I should do? — MISSING THE KISSING

Other than not having sex or even sharing a bedroom you have a great marriage? You are roommates. Whatever romantic interest she ever had in you is gone, long gone. It was probably long gone before she kicked you out of her bedroom, and your putting up with this behavior has only made you less attractive. If you want kissing, you’re going to have to find a willing partner, which will not be your wife. Ever.  It’s over. Give up.

Some people have far less serious problems. I envy them, that they have enough time on their hands to write some to lady about the silly shit that inexplicably causes them grief.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of the groom. My husband and I are hosting the wedding rehearsal dinner. The bride’s mother informed me that she is going to have a slide show of the bride’s and groom’s baby pictures at the dinner.What do you think of this practice? I thought she should have at least asked my permission. I did tell her I was not a fan of the idea because I was at a wedding reception where it was done and the comments from the guests were not complimentary. Please comment. — TASTEFUL MOM IN NEW YORK

Holy crap, lady! The comments from the guests were not complimentary? Were they funny? You probably wouldn’t know. You sound like the kind of soulless dried-up cunt who finds nothing but discomfort in all flavors of humor. Have fun at the reception!

I’m looking for other advice columns to steal letters from, but I keep finding advice that isn’t bad enough.

Example 1 – Amy Alkon

Example 2 – Dan Savage

Diabetes Bullshit

10 11 2010

I’m not a doctor, and have no academic qualifications to give nutritional or medical advice. However, I maintain that most people who have such qualifications give shitty advice. The typical advice given to pre-diabetic and (type II) diabetic patients is severely flawed. One day, I was talking to a co-worker and learned that he has type II diabetes. I was absolutely floored to learn that he’s “not allowed” to eat red meat or anything with a lot of fat (or maybe it was saturated fat). The only basis for this I can possibly imagine is that statistically, diabetes and heart disease go hand-in-hand, and it is commonly though erroneously believed that diets high in saturated fat cause heart disease. This erroneous belief is called the Lipid Hypothesis. The main problem with advising diabetic or pre-diabetic patients to avoid fat is that doing so can realistically only be achieved by eating carbohydrates, and carbs are what cause the problem in the first place. In the long term, diets high in carbohydrates cause the pancreas to frequently secrete a lot of insulin. Insulin does the important job of preventing blood sugar from getting dangerously high by telling the cells of the body to convert sugar in the blood to fat for storage. Over time, frequent high levels of insulin cause insulin resistance in the body. When insulin resistance reaches a certain threshold, a person has type II diabetes. Once a person has insulin resistance, it becomes more important for them to restrict their intake of carbohydrates because the body is less able to deal with them, and dangerous blood sugar levels become possible.

Now, let’s look at some bullshit. First we have 12 Common Diabetes Myths from MSNBC:

Myth #1: People with diabetes can’t eat anything sweet.

Relax—despite what you may have heard, a piece of cake or a couple of cookies won’t cause a health crisis. In fact, sweets can be eaten in moderation by people with type 2 diabetes, if eaten as part of a healthy meal plan and combined with exercise, according to the American Diabetes Association.

I would not trust the American Diabetes Association. I associate them with the American Heart Associate, known for endorsing carb-heavy grain products like Cheerios. Anything that raises blood sugar is potentially dangerous for a diabetic.

Myth #2: Eating too much sugar causes diabetes.

No, chocaholics aren’t destined to develop diabetes. The disease is thought to be caused by a combination of genetic and lifestyle factors. And the high level of sugar in someone’s bloodstream is not the same thing as the refined stuff you buy in bags from the supermarket. That said, being overweight can increase the risk for developing type 2 diabetes, and eating a lot of sugar can pack on the pounds. If your family has a history of diabetes, eating healthfully and exercising regularly is recommended to keep everyone’s weight in check. For those who already have diabetes, those same things will help them manage the disease.

This is complete bullshit. Eating sugar causes diabetes. It’s not “the” cause, and eating some specific amount of sugar will not necessarily cause the disease, but dietary sugar requires insulin production which can lead to insulin resistance. What motivation does MSNBC have to lie about this? What else can I think?

Myth #3: People with diabetes must eat a special diet.

A healthy diet for someone with diabetes is the same as a healthy diet for anyone else. How does that look? A wholesome meal plan is based on whole-grain foods, lean protein, vegetables, and fruit. Such a diet is low in fat (particularly saturated and trans fat), salt, and simple sugars.

This is semi-bullshit. It is far more important for diabetics to watch what they eat. A non-diabetic can’t go wrong on a diet fit for a diabetic, but you can get away with a lot more when your metabolic system still works. As to the content of a “wholesome meal plan”, I argue that it is not necessary that a diet be low in fat at all. Saturated fats are not bad, though trans fats are. Whole-grain foods are recommended because, as I said above, avoiding fat necessitates carb consumption and complex carbs are less bad than simple ones, because they take more time to break down into glucose, so the spike in blood sugar is less severe. If you avoid grains and limit carbs (perhaps be eating tasty animal fats), you shouldn’t have to worry about this.

Myth #4: You can catch diabetes from someone else.

Who believes this?

Myth #5: There’s only one dangerous kind of diabetes.

Or this? Most people have probably heard of type I and type II diabetes, so they know there are at least two. They’re both dangerous.

Myth #6: Only people with diabetes need insulin.

Or this? Type I diabetes occurs when the pancreas fails to secrete insulin, thereby rendering survival difficult for the patient without insulin therapy. I learned this as a kid, so I assume people know this and if you know this you know that we all need insulin. I was shocked to learn that people with type II diabetes are sometimes treated with insulin, but that’s another story for another time.

Myth #7: Nothing can be done to prevent diabetes complications.

At this point I think they’re just making up myths. If doctors make any recommendations at all it’s implied that following them will cause an improvement, prevent complications, or at least slow down the worsening. However, conventional recommendations and insulin therapy do not help.

Myth #8: Only overweight people get diabetes.

You don’t have to be fat to have diabetes, but obesity and type II diabetes are caused by the same thing.

Myth #9: People with diabetes shouldn’t exercise.

Do people believe this? I’ve read that small amounts of exercise can reduce insulin resistance, which is a very good thing.

Myth #10: People who follow their treatment plan never have high blood sugar readings.

This might be true if their treatment plan didn’t include “eat carbs.”

Myth #11: It’s possible to have “just a touch” or “a little” diabetes.

I disagree, or agree, whatever. One can be diagnosed as pre-diabetic and diabetes can be more or less severe. It’s really a matter of how severe your insulin resistance is.

Myth #12: People diagnosed with diabetes are doomed.

With the pitiful state of medical ignorance, this is mostly true.

If you want to hear this stuff from an actual physician, please check out the blog of Michael R. Eades, M.D.

More Exercise?

25 03 2010

Yesterday I saw this article in the Arizona Republic (from the LA Times)  saying that the Journal of the American Medical Association released a new recommendation for women to exercise for 60 minutes per day every day in order to avoid gaining unwanted weight. Yahoo has the same basic story (from Reuters). I find the Yahoo article particularly offensive because it’s titled, “For women, battle of the buldge just got tougher”, as if the recommendations have changed how diet and exercise effect women’s body fat; and they have a picture of an obese woman in a bathing suit, as if someone reading the article might not know what a fat person looks like.

Whenever you see an article about any kind of scientific research, it’s best to skip to the actual science. Or in this case, “science.” From the Republic:

The study was based on surveys of more than 34,000 U.S. women who were, on average, age 54 at the start of the study. They reported their physical activity and body weight, as well as health factors such as smoking and menopausal status, over 13 years. On average, the women gained 5.7 pounds during the study.

What? They were 54 years old on average? That means the average age at the end was 67 (depending on who died). I don’t understand how or why they would derive recommendations for all women based on survey data from post-menopausal women. Nor do I understand how an average weight gain of less than half a pound per year is at all significant.

From Yahoo:

Only 13 percent of women in the study maintained a healthy weight throughout the study — and those who got an hour of exercise a day on average or more were by far the most likely to be in that group.

Something’s not right here if they all averaged a 13-year weight gain of 5.7 pounds while only 13% maintained a healthy weight. At this point, I’m inclined to dig into the actual numbers, but I’m not about to pay $15 for the privilege. Without getting into it, I can’t really tell, but it smells like the data do not fit the conclusion. I think what’s going on here is that current government recommendations (150 minutes of moderate exercise per week) aren’t working and instead of questioning whether exercise causes weight loss or prevents weight gain, the experts will just conclude that it’s not enough. This study is being used because it weakly shows the desired conclusion.

I’ve been convinced that exercise is not a reliable means of weight loss (or weight gain prevention) ever since reading this article by Gary Taubes:

There was a time when virtually no one believed exercise would help a person lose weight. Until the sixties, clinicians who treated obese and overweight patients dismissed the notion as naïve. When Russell Wilder, an obesity and diabetes specialist at the Mayo Clinic, lectured on obesity in 1932, he said his fat patients tended to lose more weight with bed rest, “while unusually strenuous physical exercise slows the rate of loss.”

The problem, as he and his contemporaries saw it, is that light exercise burns an insignificant number of calories, amounts that are undone by comparatively effortless changes in diet. In 1942, Louis Newburgh of the University of Michigan calculated that a 250-pound man expends only three calories climbing a flight of stairs—the equivalent of depriving himself of a quarter-teaspoon of sugar or a hundredth of an ounce of butter. “He will have to climb twenty flights of stairs to rid himself of the energy contained in one slice of bread!” Newburgh observed. So why not skip the stairs, skip the bread, and call it a day?

More-strenuous exercise, these physicians further argued, doesn’t help matters—because it works up an appetite. “Vigorous muscle exercise usually results in immediate demand for a large meal,” noted Hugo Rony of Northwestern University in his 1940 textbook, Obesity and Leanness. “Consistently high or low energy expenditures result in consistently high or low levels of appetite. Thus men doing heavy physical work spontaneously eat more than men engaged in sedentary occupations. Statistics show that the average daily caloric intake of lumberjacks is more than 5,000 calories, while that of tailors is only about 2,500 calories. Persons who change their occupation from light to heavy work or vice versa soon develop corresponding changes in their appetite.” If a tailor becomes a lumberjack and, by doing so, takes to eating like one, why assume that the same won’t happen, albeit on a lesser scale, to an overweight tailor who decides to work out like a lumberjack for an hour a day?

Credit for why we came to believe otherwise goes to one man, Jean Mayer…

It’s always one man.

Bad Advice From Dr. Drew?

19 03 2010

Last night, as I often do, I listened to Loveline for a bit. The first call I heard was from a 20 year-old girl who was concerned that she was fantasizing about other men while having sex with her boyfriend and that she was no longer sexually attracted to him. She had been with him for four years and said she couldn’t imagine being without him. He was her first and only boyfriend. Dr. Drew’s thinking is that relationships that start at 16 are supposed to end and that young people stay in relationships too long because they’re unable to recognize when they are over. His advice to the caller was that it was probably time for her relationship to be over. Guests Rob Corddry, Craig Robinson, and Clarke Duke (all promoting Hot Tub Time Machine) were agreeable to this.

I have a lot of respect for Dr. Drew and have learned a great deal from him, but I’m not so sure I agree I share his view. I have said before that I think too many people stay in bad relationships for too long, but that isn’t necessarily what’s going on here. From what I’ve been reading (PDF) , it is common for a woman to lose sexual interest in her mate after about four years. The girl who called in sounded like she cared deeply about the guy she was with and seemed seriously disturbed by her feelings. She did not sound driven or willing to cheat or leave him. I would not advise her to stay, necessarily, but I would tell her that what she’s going through is common and that her relationship might not need to end. I wouldn’t have any suggestions on how she might regain the attraction she once had for her mate, but she might not need that. Simply knowing that her experience is typical could possibly be enough.

Of course, the guy probably needs to step up his relationship game.

Dear Sanityinjection

3 03 2010

Sanity Injection attempted to inject some sanity into my thoughts on that Weekly Standard article.

Most of what is written about dating – including your article – is an attempt to take something relatively simple and make it complicated.

I can’t imagine what would motivate anyone to think this. Dating and mating are not simple at all. What we see is a highly competitive marketplace where the products try to sell themselves. Some are very bad at it. Some are not. There are a great deal of men who have a very limited success with women and women who don’t understand why the men they like will sleep with them but won’t commit to them. There are marriages that wives inexplicably and suddenly end after four or so years of apparent happiness. A great many people are dissatisfied with their love lives and some of them are extremely so. Much of this suffering, I think, stems from people holding false beliefs, and much of that comes from feminism. I’m trying to get people to see how they’re wrong, and I think Charlotte Allen’s article does a damn good job of that. Considering how quickly you responded, I’m doubtful that you actually read it.

Most people do not interact with the opposite sex based on evolutionary theory or tips from Cosmo.

People do not (not normally anyway) consciously act based on their understanding of evolutionary theory. Evolutionary psychology derives from observing how people interact. Are you saying that biology plays no role? However right or wrong our theory may be, our biology rules us. Why would you think other? Cosmo, and other women’s and girls’ magazines have been played a huge role in telling girls what is and isn’t okay, like sex on the third date.

In fact, whole eons of humanity have managed to successfully perpetuate the species without any expert advice at all, except perhaps from their own friends and family.

It is one thing to perpetuate. It is quite another to thrive. Advanced civilizations did not spring about with people running around doing whatever they feel like. For that, social norms were constructed to persuade people to restrain themselves in order to benefit larger groups.

The chief cause of most of the unhappiness that beglooms the dating world is the ubiquitous lying by both men and women. Women lie to themselves, men lie to women, and that leads to game-playing by both genders. If everyone would simply be honest about what they really want – whether it be casual sex, marriage or something in between – it would be much easier for everybody.

I’m quite honest myself and I appreciate honesty. However, that’s not the problem. People lie to get what they want, or to get more of what they want than they would if they were honest. You can call that cheating, or just accept it. No amount of protest will change it. Women lie to themselves to make peace with their own behavior. This tendency seems biologically driven and it seems to allow them to move on much better than men can. Once again, protest or accept it. It’s not going to change.

Also, being upfront and open about what you want is an idea that appeals to men, but it does not appeal to women. When a woman first sees me, she doesn’t yet know what she wants from me. It is my job to show her. I cannot simply tell her, and I sure as hell can’t ask her. It just doesn’t work that way.

You can talk all you want about alpha and beta males and men acting like men, but at bottom, people are who they are. If a guy is a hand-wringing pussy, no attempt to mimic more dominant behavior is going to work long-term.

There are a great many who disagree with that. I am no natural alpha, but I’m definitely not the chicken-shit social retard that I was at 19. It seems quite natural for men like me to improve socially as they age, even without  intending to. Actively improving oneself can work much faster. Men who are bad with women lack confidence and a lot of confidence can be gained simply by willing it. Think of how men on sports teams (football, in particular) build confidence in one-another by yelling and grunting. “Fake it ’till you make it” is much better advice than the age-old “be yourself.”

I shall quote Roissy:

XI.  Be irrationally self-confident

No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more pussy than rational defeatism.

You do not need a reason to be confident other than knowing that it works.

Dear Asshole, Volume 2

28 02 2010

Dear Abby is funny to me. People come to her with some of the most inane non-problems I’ve ever heard anyone complain about, and sometimes they ask for help with very serious problems, but whatever the case, every question is worded in the most gentle of tones as if everything were a question about etiquette.

DEAR ABBY: The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?

You guessed it. He said, “Giving up sex with you.” I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.

I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband’s life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? — LOST THE BATTLE TO CHARDONNAY

Oh, that’s funny. But seriously, Ugly Wife, your letter is lacking on details. We don’t know how much he drinks, how old either of you are, how long you’ve been married, or what you look like. It may be that your husband’s a serious alcoholic and knows he can’t live without his wine. It could be that you husband’s sex drive has fallen to zero for some medical reason. It might be that he doesn’t find you sexually attractive. If you’re writing to Dear Abby, you’re probably old and overweight. So it’s probably mostly that one. To answer your question, yes, it is wrong to feel so heartbroken.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is constantly passing gas. She does not care where she is or who is around. I have worked in the trucking industry for almost 30 years and never ran across anyone as flatulent as she is.She is young and attractive, but there is nothing less appealing than feeling “frisky,” getting into bed and hearing the trumpet sounds. I have recommended she see a doctor, but she laughs it off and says, “Everyone does it.”

I can’t believe I’m the only one with this problem. I could really use some “sound” advice, Abby. — BLOWN AWAY IN ALLIANCE, OHIO

This is clearly a joke. Girls don’t fart.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend is very sweet. The problem is, she wants to have sex with me. I don’t think I am ready for that. I also don’t know how to approach my parents about this. I really need some help — fast! — NOT READY IN PENNSYLVANIA

Poor kid. What should he do?

DEAR ABBY: My mother recently passed away. She and Dad were married 52 happy years. Over the years, Mom received a few Christmas cards from “Linda,” my brother’s girlfriend 30 years ago.Dad found Linda’s address and let her know about Mom’s passing. Now he says he and Linda have become good friends. Dad says they’re “only friends” and Linda is someone he can talk to. We are very upset about whatever relationship they have. My brother and I and our children want to be the ones to comfort Dad and be comforted by him. It has been only two months since Mom’s death.

He talks to Linda about everything. They have even discussed the details of Mom’s grave marker. Linda says Dad is the father she never had. (Her father is still living.) I confronted Dad about it, and we had a huge argument. Are we wrong and insensitive for disapproving of his closeness with this woman? — FALLING APART IN TEXAS

Yes and yes. Be happy that he apparently waited for your mom to die before he got close to another woman.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 13 years and have two children, 7 and 9. About a year ago, my 41-year-old husband befriended an 11-year-old neighbor girl, “Lacey.” Lacey is charming, friendly and plays with my children.

They did this on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”

I have told my husband I am concerned and that it may be an unhealthy relationship, but he becomes angry and insulted and says it’s an innocent friendship. Others have also voiced their concerns to him because they see the same things I do. On the other hand, her parents think the friendship is innocent.

Abby, am I overreacting? Should I view it as an innocent friendship, or could there really be a problem? — WORRIED WIFE DOWN SOUTH

It scares the crap out of people when adults are friends with children they aren’t related to, especially male adults and female children. It probably should, but people who have “neighborhood socials” are likely prone to overreact to shit that doesn’t matter. I wonder if this guy will start an adult relationship with Lacey 30 years from now when his current wife dies. I further if he’s considered this. I have no advice for the woman. I just wanted to share this. Depending on the details, this could be pretty bad.

EDIT: I don’t know what happened, but the first part of the last letter got cut out. I put it back now.

Dear Asshole

26 01 2010

From here:

DEAR ABBY: I have chosen to celebrate my children’s birthdays with family and one friend. I want my children to understand early on that birthdays are not about getting loads of gifts, but to celebrate life with family. We are invited to many parties for their friends and classmates, but I have always chosen to attend only those of our close friends.

I find it disheartening to watch children these days rip into a bunch of gifts and toss them aside without saying thank you or even commenting on the gift. It’s all about the next package and the volume.

Because of this, I’m considering no longer giving a gift but making a donation to a charity in honor of the birthday boy or girl instead. But I’m worried about the reaction I’ll get from friends. On the other hand, I feel much better about donating to a worthwhile charity instead of another toy for children who already have so much these days. Is a donation appropriate instead of a gift? — WONDERING IN BIRMINGHAM

DEAR WIB: You are one miserable cunt. A donation to charity in someone else’s honor is fucking snotty, stuck-up, and stupid thing to “give” to an adult, but to try this lame move with little kids displays a hatred for all that is fun. You say something about celebrating life, but you have to know that doing this would only confuse and disappoint these kids. It might not bother you if other people’s children don’t like you, but you’re setting your own kids up to be hated. Ask your therapist why you need to make other people miserable to to feel good about yourself. This is the kind of stuff they’ll remember at your funeral.

DEAR ABBY: “Happy Being Me in Massachusetts” (Nov. 20) is a large girl whose mother told her “heavy women are not desirable.” Well, I was a size 18/20 and weighed more than 200 pounds when I met my husband while out with mutual friends. He’s good-looking, smart, witty, affectionate and passionate. He’s everything a woman looks for in a life partner.He had never dated a plus-size woman before, but he was smitten from the moment he saw me, and pursued me from the start because he thought I have a beautiful face and a great personality. We have one child and another on the way, and he finds me as appealing now as he did the night we met.

No woman should ever “settle” for a partner, and “Happy” should not do so just because her mother thinks she’s “too heavy.” That mother is trying to pass her low self-esteem issues along to her daughter, and I hope “Happy” is savvy enough to brush it off. Big girls can be sexy, too, because there’s nothing sexier than confidence. — MICHELLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MIM: With the lone exception of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, everybody settles. Your husband certainly did. If he’s happy, good for him. However, big girls really can’t be sexy in the eyes of most men and a hot body is several orders of magnitude sexier than confidence for men. Confidence is the primary trait in attracting women, but physical appearance is primary to attracting men.