The Worst Day for a Dog to Die

1 04 2012

What follows is an actual facebook exchange that took place today between the Unfrozen Caveman and his Cavelady. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the grammar has been cleaned up to protect the guilty.

Unfrozen Caveman: Your mom’s dog, Princess* just died

Unfrozen’s Cavelady: haha

[ Cavelady did not like this dog, but I was very surprised to see this response. ]

That’s not nice. Your mom is sad, and Sunshine’s* crying.

OMG. I’m laughing so hard at my desk right now. I’m getting weird looks.

[ Once again, I don’t understand the reaction. She was getting weird looks from me too at this point. This is fascinating now, because I realize that I sort of filtered this out because it didn’t really fit in with my reality. My pattern recognition algorithms failed to make sense of this. At the same time, some part of my brain is working on re-calibrating my own sense of  humor. If she thinks this is funny, maybe I should too? We all do this, though I suspect few are aware of it. ]

She’s in a garbage bag now awaiting burial. Princess, that is…

[ I clearly have a pretty sick sense of humor as it is. ]

Be sure to help my mom lift her into the hole, she’s heavy and mom’s got a bad back.

[ Actually, digging the hole is going to be a pain in the ass ]

Yes, I got her in the bag and we moved it to the shade for now. They’re off to church.

LMAO

[ I must admit, going to church right after the dog dies is kind of funny, though I’m not sure why. Here I try to address the surprising coldness I keep encountering. ]

I’m happy that I won’t hear her barking, but i’m not THAT happy right now. Your mom’s not happy. Now she’s gonna want a puppy. I wouldn’t be shocked if she came home from church with a puppy

So, how did she die?

It’s a mystery. She went outside, laid down, and died. Heart attack or stroke, it seems. Your moms other dog better not follow suit.

[ This dog was nine years old and about 55 pounds. I had never witnessed a dog death before, so it seemed very odd. I really don’t know why this dog died. She was not overweight, and seemed to be in good shape.

We went on to discuss the new smartphone game that’s all the rage, Draw Something, for a few minutes. You should check it out. It makes me smile a lot.

Then, something happened. I saw the date. I saw that it was the first day of the fourth month. Understand, that it’s early in the morning and I should still be in bed. Gears start turning, some steam comes out my right ear, and it all starts to make sense. My pattern recognition software is suddenly becoming satisfied. ]

So, I just saw what day it is and thought you should know that Princess really is dead, in case you thought that was a joke.

Oh shit.

REALLY!?

[ Though I had figured it out, I was still surprised to learn that my suspicions were correct. I wish I could be so clever. I’m still not fully awake. ]

Oh, and I’m pregnant, by the way. I thought about posting that on facebook, but it’s being over used already. Then, I though about cancer, but that might be pushing it.

How about some really weird form of cancer? 

[ After I say this I realize to myself that there is at least one form of cancer for every part of the body that you could imagine there being ever cancer, as hilarious as some organs names may sound to my idiotic ears. Duodenum Cancer, for instance. So I try to split the difference. ]

Like toenail cancer?

Meh, I’m sure it’ll offend someone… and I don’t feel like dealing with that shit storm.

Okay seriously, you have my mom in on the joke too?? God, I’m going to feel like such an asshole if you guys are serious.

That’s hilarious. If you need me to text you a picture of a dead dog…

[ I really didn’t want to send the picture, but I can tell that she can’t commit to believing me or to calling bullshit, and I would really like to end that for her. ]

Your mom went to let the dogs in and Princess wouldn’t come. She was lying there not moving, and I heard it in your mom’s voice that she was scared. She went out there and came back and said, “she’s dead!” If your mom’s in on it, so’s the dog because she wasn’t moving.

[ The thought of a dog pretending to be dead on April Fool’s day as a prank makes me giggle like retard. But no, the dog actually died. ]

Anyway, when she said that, I thought “what? no way, just like that?” So, I checked out the corpse. She had one eye open, one closed, and her tongue was hanging out and had dirt and grass stuck to it.

FUCK… I hope you guys aren’t serious!

This is the worst and/or best day ever for a dog to die.

[ I’m laughing like the King of Idiots at this stage. I decided to share this thought with my facebook friends, keenly aware that her mom isn’t one of them. ]

Wait, there’s no way you would have gotten out of bed before they left for church.
You’re full of shit!

[ This is pretty clever of her. It is unlikely for me to get out of bed before they go to church. But she happens to be wrong. DEAD wrong in this case! Ha! She’s back to calling bullshit!  ]

I need a pickaxe.

You shouldn’t comment on my facebook status.

Why not?

Unless you already called bs on your mom… I wish I was so clever.

I haven’t responded yet.

[ Oh, that is a good thing. ]

At a certain point, when someone calls bs, you have to admit that they’re right.

[ I’m trying to plead my case here, awkwardly declaring that if this were a joke, I would have given up on it by now. But, as I think about it, I’m not even convinced that this is true. As long as doing so remains funny, there’s motivation continue insisting that your lie is true. I’m such a terrible liar now that I can’t convincingly tell the truth. ]

I’ve never been a fan of lying after you’ve been called out on it

Sorry? People like to lay it on thick on April 1st. How the fuck should I know?

I’m not upset.

[ I wasn’t. It’s funny, but she clearly feels bad. ]

I totally didn’t get why you reacted to the news with laughing. It did not occur to me [that it was April 1st] until I said it did.

You sent that message LITERALLY right after my coworker was telling me what her kids did to her this morning before work. I had forgotten, too.

[ I wasn’t clear enough here. She didn’t understand what I meant. ]

Anyway, your mom is actually upset. That’s all I’m saying. This is the funniest thing that’s ever happened on April 1st in my life. I bet this has happened with people too:
-Grandpa died
-HAHAHA
– :O

Okay, this is so fucked up, I just told my coworker what happened and we are laughing so hard we are crying.

I deleted your comment so your mom doesn’t see it.

Not because the dog died?

[ What? OMG she’s still giving me too much credit! ]

Her and I are not facebook friends. Are you still unsure?

OMG, I’m re-reading this whole exchange. FUCK! There was a time there you didn’t realize today was April 1st!

YES!

OMFG

I know you weren’t BFFs with Princess, but your response to the news of her demise was surprisingly cold. I’m thinking, “I just stuffed a dead dog in a trash bag, why is that funny?”

PLEASE TELL me you know that I would not find this funny on any other day of the year.

Of course! When I said that she died and you responded right away, I didn’t see it but I was sure you either said “wow!” OR “holy shit!” I came back and saw “HAHA.”

That was RIGHT AFTER Madonna*, my co-worker, was telling me about her April fool’s morning.

Tell me!

Oh, nothing too terrible, just fucked with her alarm clock and other silly shit. Then, to get back at her daughter, she jumped on her bed and woke her up shaking her saying “OMG HURRY GET OUT OF BED, YOUR DOG RAN AWAY AND SHE’S HEADING TOWARDS THE MAIN ROAD” and her kid got all upset and shit.

God is hilarious. What a sick bastard!

God is a dick.

* – Those are made up names, but you already knew that.

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I Totally Intend to Post More

3 01 2012

…Maybe I’ll talk about Ron Paul. Maybe I’ll talk about Julian Assange. Maybe I’ll talk about my awesome phone. Maybe I’ll talk about some ridiculous thing my attractive female cousin posted on facebook. Maybe I’ll talk about all the podcasts I listen to.

Did you know that two days ago Howard Stern solicited phone numbers from his twitter followers so he and his wife could drunk dial them? He then tweeted something about each person he called. So, twitter’s fun and you should totally follow me on it.





Libertarians, Anarchists, and Cavemen

25 09 2011

Over a year ago, I posted something about the conflict between my anarcho-capitalist political stance and my newer understanding of human behavior. This came about because market anarchism and other “idealistic” political theory tends to presume and depend on rational behavior among humans. The problem is, that much of our behavior is irrational. I began to realize this when I discovered game, the art/science of being attractive to women.

Game, as it is understood today, came about as a mechanism to get men, especially men of high intelligence (who arguably think too much), to stop projecting rational thinking onto women. Instead, we should behave in a way that takes advantage of their instinctual drives if we should hope to get what we want from them. This doesn’t just work for men on women they want to bang, but it’s definitely the scenario where it’s most pronounced.

I’ve also learned, and this is similar, that if you want to convince people to agree with you, rational argument is not normally the most effective means of accomplishing this goal. It is generally more effective to appeal to one’s emotions. If you can appeal to the more powerful emotions like fear, even better. Understanding this helps explain why democracy doesn’t work so well, why the people who manage to get elected to political offices tend to be awful human beings with no discernible conscience.

Rational arguments work on critical thinkers, typically people of well above average intelligence. The problem is that most people are not critical thinkers. The structure of anarcho-capitalist society is a hard sell, largely because of it’s necessary complexity. It could be argued that people in an anarcho-capitalist society don’t need to “believe in” anarcho-capitalism for things to run smoothly, but I’m not convinced. I’m not saying anarcho-capitalism is the necessary endpoint of critical political thinking, but that any sufficiently complex and sufficiently different social arrangement is too far-out for the typical idiot to understand or accept.

More recently, I’ve been heavily into the ideas of the paleo diet community, and when you think about the natural environment of our ancestors and how it differs from what we have, it’s easy to wonder if we might be seriously ill-equipped to deal with the society we’ve accidentally created. A very recent post by Andrew at Evolvify addresses this. There’s a lot I could say about his post, but right now I’m mostly just referencing his claims about hunter-gatherers. He’s got a lot of footnotes, is what I’m saying.

When we think about humans in paleolithic times or even modern hunter-gatherers, we see small groups of 20-100 people where everyone knows each other. Such small societies are inherently orderly because each person needs the rest of the group for their own survival and reproductive success. Hunting, gathering, and child care are performed communally. Violence within groups exists almost exclusively among males vying for the mates.

What we don’t see are property rights outside of a man’s hut, his tools, and maybe his wife. We don’t see individuals lost among thousands of fellow humans who neither know nor care about each other. Outsiders may be welcome among hunter-gatherers, but they will certainly have to demonstrate that they are trustworthy before they are trusted. In such a world, a man is never expected to interact peacefully with people he’s never met and has no reason to trust, as we are expected to when we go about our business.

The problem here is that this world is very different from what we have today and very different from any future world we can imagine that doesn’t involve massive depopulation, something I’m not a supporter of, to put it mildly. What we can do here is question the practicality and necessity of private property in land, I suppose. I’m not one to argue against the private ownership of land, but I’ve always felt the the arguments of georgists or geoists have some merit. If you fell off a cruise ship, landed on an island, and met a guy who claimed to own the entire island because he got there first, you might really have a problem with his further claim that you must either do as he demands or leave.

In the Evolvify post I linked to above, Andrew notes how common it is for paleo people to also be libertarians and how these ideas are at conflict. Libertarianism and anarcho-capitalism support the institutions of private property, and individual responsibility and autonomy. Communist anarchists favor limited private property rights and shared responsibilities, and this sounds a lot more like the environment to which we are best suited, as long as we’re talking about the social arrangement inside the monkeysphere™. If you’ve never heard the term, please follow the link to Cracked.com and learn. Basically, it’s the size of a group of people we can be part of and care for everyone else in the group, estimated to be about 150 for humans. Of course (as if this is common knowledge), communist anarchists typically support collective societies on a much larger scale, all the way up to the entire population of Earth.

It may well be a good idea be part of a monkeysphere™ of some sort, where wealth and and responsibilities may be shared to some extent. I think fraternal orders might be good for this, and I think those who embrace paleo-living concepts would likely benefit from building interdependent groups based on this one common interest. I also think that it’s impractical and unwise to totally abandon private property and individual autonomy for several reasons, including the fact that the cost of being shunned from a group just isn’t what it used to be and that we quite literally don’t need to depend on each other the way we once did. Also, I can’t ignore the reality that even if we build wonderful monkeyspheres™ for ourselves we will still need to deal peacefully with outsiders on a regular basis.

In conclusion, I don’t really know what to conclude. I still believe the state, especially the nation-state is an unnecessary evil, but maybe voluntary socialism on a small scale isn’t a terrible idea, and I should point out that we have that already in families. I’ve touched on a lot of stuff here, and I have a lot more to say in seven different directions. For inspiring me to think about this stuff, in addition to the game and paleo bloggers out there, I’d like to acknowledge Joe Rogan, for continually referencing our ape ancestry and our evolutionary limitations on his podcast, the Joe Rogan Experience, which is the most open-minded and informative podcast by a household name in all of the internet. I should also mention Richard Nikoley of freetheanimal.com, who twittered the Evolvify post to me and recently posted two related articles, If You Want Someone Dead Kill Them Yourself and Are You More Moral, More Benevolent and More Competent than Any Politician? Then Act Like It.





Happy Birthday!

3 09 2011

Today is Maria Lucimar Pereira’s birthday.  She was born in 1890 and that makes her 121 years old today.  She’s presumably lived in the Amazon jungle in Brazil her entire life eating a very traditional diet the whole time.  According to a Huffington Post article, she’s been eating “a diet of fresh fish, banana porridge, root vegetables, and grilled meat, but she also avoids salt, sugar and processed foods.”  A BBC article says, “with regular dishes including grilled meat, monkey, fish, the root vegetable manioc and banana porridge, and no salt, sugar or processed foods.”  Some other article I read mentioned some other root vegetable.  The articles tend to mention the lack of sugar and “processed foods”, without acknowledging that making a porridge out of bananas is a process and that bananas have sugar in them.  They say nothing about grains or legumes which have been a part some humans’ diets for thousands of years.  Presumably, she hasn’t been eating them, and there’s no doubt she’s been living without the oils produced from these plants in factories that are a major part of the Standard American Diet (SAD).

This all fits in well with the paleo diet idea that humans have adapted to eating certain foods (wild animal meat, fish, root vegetables, and fruit) and are ill-equipped to deal with foods that have only been around for 10,000 or less years (added sugar, grains, seed oils, and dairy).  For some, this is the prescription for what we should eat.  For others, it’s just the starting assumption.  I like that approach, and if that sounds good to you, check out the Archevore Diet by Dr. Kurt Harris.

The major media news articles don’t really get much into the specifics of Ms. Pereira’s diet.  They spend at least as much energy focusing on Guinness World Records needing more proof to declare her the oldest living person in the world.  I’d like someone to go spend a few days with her, documenting her eating habits before she kicks off.  I also wonder what her great-great-great-grandchildren are eating.





Hacked?

2 08 2011

I just got an e-mail letting me know that someone “hacked” my wordpress.com account.  He said that, “someone put up a defamatory post allegedly about you.”  At least, he hopes that what happened.  That isn’t what happened.  I wrote that.  It’s a story I made up.  It’s the type of humor that goes over well with my co-workers, but I’m well aware “normal” people are not impressed with such imagery.  It’s one of many lies I made up as I told it while at work.  When you tell stories like this, it’s important to provide a level detail that makes your audience wonder if you might just be telling the truth.  Truth is, I don’t have a dog.  I’ve never been one to post a lot of stuff about myself on here, and if I’m telling personal stories, I may well be full of shit.





Shitty Stories

29 07 2011

I quit wiping my ass about six months ago, at home anyway.  I guess I still wipe when I have to shit away from home, but I never do anymore when I’m home.  I got this dog a while back and trained him to lick my ass after I shit.  It doesn’t irritate my anus like toilet paper, it’s cleaner than ever, and every once in a while I have surprise orgasm!  I didn’t really train him to do this.  I mean, it wasn’t exactly my idea.  See, when I first got him, he would never leave my side and would annoying try to follow me into the bathroom.  I was in a hurry to shit one time and didn’t have time to kick him out before I shut the door.  While I sat on the toilet, I was playing an online game on my phone as I tend to do.  When I stood up to wipe, I finished my turn and right as I set my phone down he started licking.  I swatted him away wiped my ass with toilet paper like a normal person but there was nothing left to get.  Now, I don’t know if it’s from using shitty (haha) toilet paper, eating too much spicy food, or just being a major pussy, but every now and then my asshole gets really irritated and when this happens I absolutely dread wiping my ass.  So, the next time this happened I called Steven (my dog) into the bathroom, and just like he did before, he wiped my asshole clean in about two seconds.  After a few more times it felt totally normal to do this and now I don’t think too much about it.  The first orgasm didn’t happen for about two months after I started doing this, and it wasn’t really an orgasm-orgasm, more like a mini-orgasm that some women have some times.  I don’t cum or anything.  It’s very sharp and very brief.  I don’t consider this beastiality because neither I nor Steven are doing this for sexual gratification.

I thought of another shitty story when I woke up this morning, but I can’t remember it now 😦





You’re Lucky!

19 03 2011

You’re in a poker tournament (no-limit Texas Hold ’em, what else?) with a healthy chip stack.  Some players are fairly short-stacked and people are getting knocked out left and right.  The one player at your table with more chips than you raises under-the-gun from 400 to 2500.  You look down and see KK.  You posture a bit, pretending to struggle to decide what to do, and push all-in with your 20k or so chips.  The dude calls and flips over AK off-suit.  You know you’re the favorite to win.  You might even know that you have almost exactly a 70% chance of winning.  The board doesn’t give him an ace, a straight, or a flush, and he says, “you’re lucky that ace didn’t come up!”  But you’re not lucky.  The most likely outcome is exactly what occurred.

You’re at a dark, loud, and crowded bar full of drunk people and bump into a dude. Hard.  He glares into your face and shouts, “you’re lucky I’m on probation!”  Of course, if you’re the type of person who likes to get into fights and don’t feel too threatened by the convict or the prospect of being forcefully removed and possibly 86’ed from the bar, this would be the prefect time to kick some ass.  If he fights back he might just go to prison.  Alternatively, you could end up in jail, the hospital, or worse, but probably not.  If you’re more risk averse you could simply say, “you’re lucky I’m not a grizzly bear!”  He could trump you by saying, “you’re lucky I’m not Godzilla!”, but he probably won’t.

The whole “you’re lucky!” thing is childish threatening language intended to intimidate or belittle the “lucky” person.  I think it’s a good idea to escalate the dialogue to the absurd:

  • You’re lucky I can’t breathe fire!
  • You’re lucky I suck at poker!
  • You’re lucky you’re not made of cheese! (then people would eat you)
  • You’re lucky it’s not 300 degrees in here!
  • You’re lucky there’s gravity!
  • You’re lucky you’re a white male born in the United States! (wait, people actually use that and don’t consider it absurd at all)