Shitty Stories

29 07 2011

I quit wiping my ass about six months ago, at home anyway.  I guess I still wipe when I have to shit away from home, but I never do anymore when I’m home.  I got this dog a while back and trained him to lick my ass after I shit.  It doesn’t irritate my anus like toilet paper, it’s cleaner than ever, and every once in a while I have surprise orgasm!  I didn’t really train him to do this.  I mean, it wasn’t exactly my idea.  See, when I first got him, he would never leave my side and would annoying try to follow me into the bathroom.  I was in a hurry to shit one time and didn’t have time to kick him out before I shut the door.  While I sat on the toilet, I was playing an online game on my phone as I tend to do.  When I stood up to wipe, I finished my turn and right as I set my phone down he started licking.  I swatted him away wiped my ass with toilet paper like a normal person but there was nothing left to get.  Now, I don’t know if it’s from using shitty (haha) toilet paper, eating too much spicy food, or just being a major pussy, but every now and then my asshole gets really irritated and when this happens I absolutely dread wiping my ass.  So, the next time this happened I called Steven (my dog) into the bathroom, and just like he did before, he wiped my asshole clean in about two seconds.  After a few more times it felt totally normal to do this and now I don’t think too much about it.  The first orgasm didn’t happen for about two months after I started doing this, and it wasn’t really an orgasm-orgasm, more like a mini-orgasm that some women have some times.  I don’t cum or anything.  It’s very sharp and very brief.  I don’t consider this beastiality because neither I nor Steven are doing this for sexual gratification.

I thought of another shitty story when I woke up this morning, but I can’t remember it now 😦





That’s What She Said!

26 05 2010

 

  • My vagina hurts!
  • Math is so hard!
  • I can’t. I’m on my period.
  • Not tonight. I have to be up early.
  • I have a headache.
  • I’m late.
  • Ewwwww!
  • I’ve never done this before!
  • He’s just a friend.
  • Can you do me a favor?
  • Will you buy me a drink?
  • DON’T STOP! DON’T STOP! DON’T STOP!
  • I’m pregnant.
  • I hate liars!
  • Ooooh, I like your shoes!
  • My boyfriend is such an asshole!
  • Is that your car?
  • Just kidding, I’m not really pregnant.
  • STOP! YOU’RE HURTING ME!
  • Is she prettier than me?
  • I’m so wasted!
  • My place is such a mess!
  • WAAAAHHH!
  • I dunno, it just happened.
  • Let’s just be friends.




Why do Women Wear Make-up and Perfume?

16 03 2010

Read the rest of this entry »





The Least Interesting Man In The World

4 02 2010
  • In 2003 he switched from briefs to boxers. Three months later, he switched back.
  • His favorite flavor is plain.
  • He drives a silver 2003 Honda Accord. Beige was unavailable.
  • He rarely initiates a conversation about anything, but when he does it’s usually about the weather.
  • He drinks decaf with a little cream and no sugar.
  • His apartment is entirely void of hot sauce.
  • If you go to dinner with him, chances are good that he’ll order the same thing as you.
  • He calls his mom at least once a week. She almost always ends the conversation.

“I don’t often drink beer, but when I do… oh, I guess I usually get Bud Light… or maybe… Miller Lite. I had Corona once; that was pretty good. Blah blah blah…”