I Love the Following Things

16 12 2009

1. Women – There is nothing more exciting in life than an attractive and interesting woman who likes me. I’m addicted. They come in a variety of colors and flavors.

2. Chipotle – I’m talking about the burrito chain, not the sauce. In fact, I don’t really like chipotle sauce, but the place that shares the name is amazing. I could live a long happy life if I could eat nothing but their burritos. I order mine like so: Barbacoa, rice, black beans, double hot, sour cream and cheese. Before Chipotle came along, the only place I ever had a burrito like this was in California and they were never quite this good. Men’s Health gives them a hard time for the size of their portions being so large. Well, fuck Men’s Health. They’re fucking stupid. This chain uses the best quality ingredients and their massive portions mean I can go many many hours before I need to eat a candy bar or some other horrible thing.

3. Lamb of God – This is probably my favorite band. They only seem to get better with time, although I wasn’t hugely familiar with them before Sacrament came out in 2006.

This is the first song I ever heard from them:

The my new favorite LoG song is Choke Sermon. There’s no video for it, but you can hear it on their myspace page. The chorus riff is fucking amazing. They’ve been criticized for making new songs that sound just like their old songs, but I think this song really got to me precisely because it reminds me of stuff I already like.

4. IceHouse – At about 18, I didn’t enjoy the taste of beer all that much, but “ice” beers went down pretty smooth. Now, I enjoy beer and Icehouse is the one cheap beer that I actually like. Sadly, the Walgreens I used to buy it from stopped carrying it.

5. Cab 281 – As a poor person who has to drink beer, I sometimes drive a taxi cab to supplement my regular income. I like driving around in former police car Crown Victorias, but they don’t always ride that well after 250,000 miles or so. Cab 281 shows 170,000, but it handles like a sports car. It’s the most impressive cab I ever drove and one of the most impressive cars I’ve ever driven, which probably isn’t saying all that much. I would happily drive this car every day.

6. The Internet – I like the internet in general, but I’m really talking about shit like this.

7. Gorjira – This is my other favorite band. They manage to tie grindcore to groove in a way that more than makes sense. Their songs get in my head like no other bands’. There are tons of metal bands out there these days, and almost nobody listens to any of them. Many are very good, but they’re mostly copies of each other. Gojira stands out. Very coherent. They manage to sound very original without being weird.

Click the video and read the comments to see how alone I’m not.

8. Carne Asada Fries – You can get these from Filiberto’s, Riva’s, and most other drive-thru burrito shops the Phoenix area, probably anywhere in the Southwestern US. It’s French fries, with a ton (ok, not a ton, but easily a pound) of Carne Asada, cheese, sour cream, guacamole, and as much red hot sauce as you care for. It makes a great lunch, but it’s absolutely mind-blowing as a drunken 4th meal. Please don’t tell the queers at Men’s Health about this.

9. Mad Men – This is the best show on TV, and you’re lame for not watching it.

10. Xbox 360’s controller – Far superior to the PS3 controller.

I need to write more

1 12 2009

I keep starting blog entries without finishing them. I’ve become concerned about the quality of my writings, after re-reading some of the old ones. Years of arguing on short-attention-spanned internet forums has caused me to overemphasize brevity. Once upon a time, I would write wordy time-consuming thought-out responses only to find that few ever seemed to read them. The conversation would continue as if I’d said nothing. I learned to cut it down, but lately I’ve been overdoing it. I somehow expect other people to be already be on the same page with me in the middle of my thoughts.

Anyway, since I’ve noticed this, I’ve been much more concerned about quality. This concern combined with my laziness is keeping me from finishing anything.

Stuff you can buy on Amazon

15 07 2009

There are some odd things for sale on Amazon.com. Check out these three things. Read the reviews and look at some of the other similarly odd items that will pop up and the mysteriously unrelated normal items that people buy after looking at this crap.

Inflatable Bondage Chair

This one only has three reviews.

UFO-01 UFO Detector

Sample reviews:

I purchased this item and am blown away by its effectiveness. I started this device up and immediately detected not one, not two, but five seperate UFOs in my immediate area. I am currently working on a way to communicate with what I assume is an intelligent species visiting our planet, but so far, I have been unsuccessful. I am waiting to see if this company will be selling a UFO communications device in the near future. If it is anything like this detector, I will be extremely happy. Thank you for a great product !

The UFO-01 detector has satisfactory range with gravitic drive type flying saucers (about a quarter mile), very good range with magnatomic flux drives (up to five miles) as you might expect.

The discrimination ability is what sets this detector apart, however. The detector was not fooled by time machines, stargates, parallel universe jumpships or transporter beams.

I don’t know why some people are hating on this device. I purchased the UFO-01 Detector some time ago and so far it has been 100% accurate. I have not seen any UFOs and it has not detected any UFOs. It doesn’t get any better than that!

Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable ($500 1 meter ethernet cable)

This is sold as an audio cable, as if an ordinary properly functioning ethernet cable that can transmit digital data without a single lost bit can somehow manage to degrade an audio signal in digital form. Liars have made a lot of money selling over-engineered absurdly expensive audio cables to fools over the years, but nobody’s buying this one. There are over 300 reviews.

When I opened the package containing these cables, I felt a strange magnetism as soon as the seal was broken. I was fearful, but I paid $500 for these things, and there was no way I was going to not try them out. I picked up the cables, and felt a strange surge coursing through my veins, tickling up and down until I felt a buzzing in my hippocampus. Reeling, I put my hand out and touched my television for support. Lo and behold, I was no longer watching television…I was watching my own thoughts transferred onto the television. Pornography. Pornography equal to my wildest dreams – for they WERE my wildest dreams. I saw wishes come true. Enemies destroyed. My wildest fears, my greatest hopes. It was as thrilling as it was terrifying.

I called my girlfriend into the room, held her hand, and touched the television again. She looked on in horror, watching her imagined self carnally ravage my best friend. Needless to say, she is gone from my life.

I bought four.
Yeah, two grand is a little steep, but I can work a double shift to make up for it in about two months.
Used them to tie my wife to the bed.
Then I went out to play tennis. When I came back, she was still there and she could hear better. Great product!

I’m an engineer, so trust me on this one. Sound is a wave, moving in one direction. A uni-directional cable such as this is needed for optimum listening pleasure. Some other poster, incorrectly I might humbly add, said using it backwards causes the music to play backwards. Installing it in reverse causes the 1’s and 0’s to start to clog the line since they have no where to go. As a result, you’ll get no sound at all. If you do that, be careful when you turn the cable around as all the 1’s and 0’s will come out at once, potentially overloading your ethernet connection and exceeding your ISP’s bandwidth caps.

There are many more with titles like Despite its attractive price, it’s too sensitive to galactic radiation, My husband uses it to beat me…., and MADE ME FERTLE!!

30 things that every guy should know about Girls

10 07 2009

I don’t know who wrote this list, but it smells like a foolish young woman. It’s usually a bad idea to take advice on women from women. This could’ve been written by a high school girl, except that the spelling and punctuation isn’t bad enough. There are a lot of lists floating around like this. I think they should be examined critically.

1. Whatever you do, don’t just show up at their house…they run around in their underwear just like we do.

Wait, just like we do? Was this written by a guy? Anyway, just showing up at a girl’s house is fine sometimes. You can learn a lot from her reaction. What do you think people did before cell phones or before any phones at all?

2. DON’T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.

The author of this list doesn’t like being cheated on and thinks that she can scare guys into not doing so. There are men who cheat and cheat and cheat and never get caught. I don’t advocate it, but if you’re smart about it and your girlfriend isn’t particularly bright, you can get away with it. Women are much better at getting away with it though.

3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn’t even wait for the damn hat.

OOOh, beware. Nobody’s ever kicked my ass over a girl. I wonder what constitutes a “drop of a hat.” Such threats are to be ignored, as are the girls who issue them.

4. NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them they’re beautiful.

Bad idea. Of course, girls like being told stuff like this, but there’s usually little to gain by doing so.

5. DON’T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it’s because they’re jealous.

Or maybe they’re laughing because you’re kissing a cow. A kiss is fine, but making out in front of people (like at a table) is rude.

6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.

The implication is that women are always right. This is clearly absurd. If the government locks you up indefinitely without a trial, it’s because you’re a terrorist.

7. Don’t be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they’re going out with you in the first place, it’s because they like being in your arms.

Best rule so far, but you can take this too far.

8. If you don’t sleep with them, DO NOT tell your friends that you did.

8.5 If you DO sleep with them, DON’T tell your friends that you did.

The author doesn’t want people knowing how slutty she is.

9. You can be dirty minded in private, really…most of them are not offended by it…

Whatever. Be dirty-minded in public.

10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.

That is not the most attractive quality in a woman, but if she can eat like a whale without looking like one, it’s all good. I suspect the author has surprised more than one guy with her voracious appetite.

11. Most of them don’t mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you’re a pussy..

11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!

Oh, what the fuck? Paying for everything all the time makes the guy a pussy and the girl a whore. For the record, I do need all my money that much. I get to pay child support.

12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, ONE OF HIS SWEATSHIRTS, and a really PRETTY RING. Even if it’s not a serious relationship.

How many sweatshirts am I supposed to own?

13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you’re dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren’t dropping her off, call to be sure she’s home safely.


14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.

No, no it’s not. Girls aren’t worth getting into fights over. You can get hurt, 86-ed, arrested, or worse. Go ahead and protect her, but don’t start a fight. That’s stupid.

15. If you’re talking to a female friend of yours, PULL YOUR girlfriend closer.

This might not be a bad idea.

16. NEVER, ever slap her, even if it’s just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, “Oh, you’re so dumb” or something, never make any gestures back.

The ass is the only place you should slap a woman.

17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn’t care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.

That’s right. She doesn’t care if you enjoy it. She’s selfish like that.

18. You’re dead meat if you can’t get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.

Be yourself. Be the same guy that she likes.

19. Don’t flirt with their moms…that’s just freaky.

If you really want to freak her out, flirt with her dad.

20. Don’t be freaked out by PMS. It’s not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.

Um, ok. Is this a problem that needs to be addressed? PMS, O NOES!

21. If you don’t like the way they drive, you do it.

Sure. Although, anyone who drives ever should know how to do so properly.

22. If you’re officially dating, and you’re introducing her to your friends, you’d better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.

I don’t care for this threatening language.

23. Don’t stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.

No. Find fun and interesting things to do.

24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.

Rubbing doesn’t make everything feel better. Don’t do this if her ovaries hurt.

25. Girls are fragile. Even if you’re play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.

Whatever. I haven’t broke one yet. I wonder what motivated the author to include this. Are guys accidentally injuring their girlfriends all the time?

26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you’re basically screwed for life.

That’s a bit dramatic.

27. Don’t marinade the cologne, but smell good.

You mean, don’t marinate yourself in cologne? I just assume that everyone wearing lots of perfume/cologne is hiding a much worse odor.

28. Don’t give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine’s day. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.

Inexpensive and meaningful = stupid. Really, the stupider the gift seems to a guy, the more she’ll love it.

29. If you think the relationship isn’t going to last, don’t wait to find out. It will only hurt her more if you draw it out.

So? When facing the end of a relationship, a guy is far more concerned with his own feelings than hers.

30. After you’ve been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.

If this power can be lost so easily, you don’t really have it, and most guys would not kill for it. There might be one guy who would, but he’s a complete loser. I’m forced to ponder the motivation behind this one. What is it that our author didn’t get from someone that this is addressing?

I also found another list with 2 items in need of a response.

3. A girl can’t find anything to hate about the guy she loves.

5. If a girl loves a guy, he will always be on her mind. [more like 24/7]

No, that’s not love. That’s infatuation, which is always temporary. Thinking that this is what love is much of what drives married women to cheat and/or divorce. In fact, I think it’s normal to hate certain things about someone you love. If you didn’t love them, you wouldn’t care. Right?

43. When you play games always let her win.

Not a chance.

Job Oppurtunity

6 10 2007

One day on the internet I was minding my own business when heard a doorbell. No, not a real doorbell. This was Yahoo instant messenger.

[20:06] evgenia_cute001122: <ding>
[20:21] Unfrozen Caveman: ?
[20:21] evgenia_cute001122: hello
[20:21] evgenia_cute001122: i’m eve from uk
[20:21] evgenia_cute001122: and you?
[20:22] Unfrozen Caveman: ok

[20:22] Unfrozen Caveman: I live in Arizona
[20:22] evgenia_cute001122: ohh that lovelly
[20:22] evgenia_cute001122: may i introduce you to a job offer?
[20:22] Unfrozen Caveman: ?
[20:22] evgenia_cute001122: ?
[20:22] Unfrozen Caveman: what?
[20:23] Unfrozen Caveman: what are you talking about?
[20:23] evgenia_cute001122: We are looking for a representatives who is based in United States, Someone who his Faithful and Honest  who will be helping us recieving payments from our customers based in the states.We are willing to pay $400 or 10%  per everypayment you recieve from our clients on our behalf and you  can still keep ur regular job while you work as it wouldn’t affect your present state of job. are you intrested in the job
[20:23] evgenia_cute001122: Are you intrested?
[20:23] Unfrozen Caveman: what kind of business is this?
[20:24] evgenia_cute001122: it’s A Real Business and legit
[20:24] evgenia_cute001122: My company Is for Real
[20:24] Unfrozen Caveman: what’s it called?
[20:24] Unfrozen Caveman: what does it do?
[20:26] evgenia_cute001122: just a employee workers
[20:26] evgenia_cute001122: and you will earn ur % in it
[20:26] evgenia_cute001122: All you have to do is help us recieve payments from our reliable customers in the united States.These  payments will be coming to you in either Cashiers Check,Money Orders which are drawn on US Bank and  hey will be issued in your Name and send to you as our representatives. are you intrested in the job
[20:26] evgenia_cute001122: are you still intrested?
[20:26] Unfrozen Caveman: real companies have names and provide goods or services to customers, if you can’t tell me that much, I’m not interested
[20:27] evgenia_cute001122: i will tell you all about it
[20:27] evgenia_cute001122: Rose House House Hold Manufacturing Company In Uk
[20:28] evgenia_cute001122: This rural based Company and it’s directors are involved in a number of activities, from I.T. to engineering to agriculture to Lifestyle (Luggage and Clothing) and Tourism. The challenges are:  working with small companies and individuals in the ‘rural area of Northumberland and Cumbria – offering marketing assistance, management advice and support or, linkage with other UK or International companies, finance and sometimes …… a life-line!
[20:28] evgenia_cute001122:  This company has produced award winning Luggage and Sporting Bags at it’s factory in Cumbria for very many years using British materials and still produces their classical range in rugged cotton canvas and leather.    We also produce standard articles for the promotional, catering, hotel and laundry trades.
[20:28] evgenia_cute001122: okay?…understand?
[20:29] Unfrozen Caveman: Not exactly
[20:29] evgenia_cute001122: wht?
[20:29] Unfrozen Caveman: why would you need/trust some random internet guy
[20:29] Unfrozen Caveman: ?
[20:30] evgenia_cute001122: coz we can’t cash oversea check here in uk
[20:30] evgenia_cute001122: that is why we need a employee workers’s am for real and legit
[20:30] Unfrozen Caveman: explain how this would work again
[20:31] evgenia_cute001122:  All you have to do is help us recieve payments from our reliable customers in the united States.These  payments will be coming to you in either Cashiers Check,Money Orders which are drawn on US Bank and  hey will be issued in your Name and send to you as our representatives. are you intrested in the job
[20:31] evgenia_cute001122: sound easy enoungh?
[20:32] Unfrozen Caveman: I assume I’m to send money your way somehow?
[20:33] evgenia_cute001122: As soon as you receive any payment from any of our clients,all you need to do is take it to your Bank or a Pawn Shop or a Check Cashing Place around you and have it cashed it,then you going to deduct your $400 or 10%  from it and send whatever the remaining to the company based on instruction that will be    given to you.
[20:33] evgenia_cute001122: okay?
[20:33] Unfrozen Caveman: If you cannot accept checks from US banks, how would I send the money?
[20:34] evgenia_cute001122: as soon as you get the check cash you will have ur % in it and you will send the rest Via Western Unoin outlet Arround you to our company
[20:34] evgenia_cute001122: too easy
[20:35] Unfrozen Caveman: it certainly does sound too easy
[20:35] Unfrozen Caveman: there have got to be cheaper ways to move money from here to there
[20:36] Unfrozen Caveman: $400 or 10%, is that whichever’s more or less?
[20:36] evgenia_cute001122: you will earn 400 per transaction and you will send the rest money Via Western unoin
[20:36] evgenia_cute001122: okay?
[20:37] Unfrozen Caveman: you said $400 or 10%
[20:37] evgenia_cute001122: yep ofcourse once you are honest
[20:37] Unfrozen Caveman: ?
[20:38] evgenia_cute001122: wht?
[20:38] evgenia_cute001122: <ding>
[20:39] Unfrozen Caveman: what do you mean by “once you are honest?”
[20:39] evgenia_cute001122: just teo tell you that if you are honest with our company you will make more than that
[20:39] evgenia_cute001122: lol
[20:40] Unfrozen Caveman: ok
[20:41] Unfrozen Caveman: is that all you have to say?
[20:42] evgenia_cute001122: am tyinp
[20:42] evgenia_cute001122: I want you to be rest assured that this transaction wouldn’t cost you any amount and no tax involved in  it.All you have to do is just to receive payments which will be sent to you through Fedex or UPS courier  services from our clients and this doesn’t entails any money from you for everything will be arranged by our clients.
[20:42] evgenia_cute001122: okay?
[20:42] Unfrozen Caveman: ok
[20:43] evgenia_cute001122:   But,the problem we have is trust and honest,
But we have our way of getting anyone that have the paln to  gets away with our money,such person will be tracked down by the authority.I mean the FBI………
[20:43] evgenia_cute001122: Again Are you going to be hnest with our company?
[20:44] Unfrozen Caveman: Is English your first language?
[20:44] evgenia_cute001122: that is mistake of typing
[20:44] evgenia_cute001122: okay?…don;t worry about that
[20:44] evgenia_cute001122: sound funny?
[20:44] evgenia_cute001122: lol
[20:45] Unfrozen Caveman: What would I have to do?
[20:45] Unfrozen Caveman: To get started?
[20:46] evgenia_cute001122: If you are interested i would need you to give me your Full Name,Contact Address,Phone Number and  your e-mail address so i can send it to my client and he’ll issue and the payment to you
[20:46] evgenia_cute001122: that’s all wht i need to send you the payment Via Ups
[20:46] Unfrozen Caveman: that’s it?
[20:47] evgenia_cute001122: yep
[20:47] evgenia_cute001122: ups will need ur contact address
[20:48] evgenia_cute001122: and ur name will be on the check
[20:48] Unfrozen Caveman: and how much will I be able to keep?
[20:49] evgenia_cute001122: you will earn $400 per week annd sometime it gonna be twice a week transaction ans you can earn upto $1,000 a week
[20:49] evgenia_cute001122: so i need that information to send the payment
[20:49] Unfrozen Caveman: I would need more information
[20:49] Unfrozen Caveman: in writing
[20:50] evgenia_cute001122: wht did you need again?
[20:50] evgenia_cute001122: have told you all about the job
[20:52] evgenia_cute001122: if you are intrested i will need the information to send you the payment
[20:52] evgenia_cute001122: okay?….am for real and legit
[20:52] evgenia_cute001122: 100% assurance
[20:52] Unfrozen Caveman: No, you haven’t. You’re not being very clear, and I have a hard time believing you’re even in the UK, based on the trouble you seem to be having with the English language. Google finds nothing on the company name you gave me, and if Google can’t find it, it doesn’t exist. I’m not giving out personal information to some random person on the internet without some way to verify what you’re saying.
[20:53] Unfrozen Caveman: And there appears to be no such way.
[20:53] evgenia_cute001122: ohh ic
[20:53] evgenia_cute001122: guess that you are not intrested?
[20:53] evgenia_cute001122: byee byeee
[20:53] Unfrozen Caveman: But I am always interested in learning about new internet scams, and this has been quite interesting
[20:53] evgenia_cute001122: okay
[20:53] evgenia_cute001122: okay
[20:53] evgenia_cute001122: byeee
[20:54] Unfrozen Caveman: ok
[20:54] evgenia_cute001122: tys for wasting my time
[20:54] Unfrozen Caveman: no problem
[20:54] evgenia_cute001122: byeee
[20:54] Unfrozen Caveman: bye already