Dear Asshole, Volume 4

14 04 2011

The following questions are from Yahoo Answers, which is my new addiction.  My answer to each question was picked as the best answer.

Where can I purchase boxes for shipping?

I am trying to find out where I can buy boxes to ship items out. The United States Postal Service gives you a variety of flat rate boxes to choose from, however it always seems that what I want to ship will not fit into any of them. Not to mention, it is almost always cheaper to ship them in your own box. Where can I find a variety of boxes in all sizes? Some of the places I have checked only have these designer boxes in fancy colors to choose from. All I want is a selection of cardboard boxes. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

UHaul and the UPS store sell boxes in certain sizes, but I prefer to get them for free from retail stores.  A 24-hour Walmart is your best bet if you go late at night while they’re stocking.  Tell someone working there you want boxes and they’ll probably give you a shopping cart full.  The asker was very pleased with this response.

Does it sound like this guy is interested in me?

there’s this guy i’m really into that i’ve been sneaking glances with for a while
and then someone introduced me n a friend to him, n altho he used to stare at me a lot, he was far more taken with my friend – talking to her more n making more eye contact with her.
he even goes up to her to make conversation whereas with me we both just say hi n that’s it

but he STILL looks at me!

like for instance today i was sitting with two of my friends, n i saw him (and he saw me) n we kinda looked at each other for a good three seconds before i just waved at me, then he made as if he didn’t notice it was me like he “looked closer” then waved back.. n we kept glancing at each other n stuff, n at one point he even pulled out a guitar n started playing quietly to himself (which is really out of character).

but then today he walks by my without as much of a glance.

does it mean anything? could he possibly be interested in me, but is just more taken with my friend because he feels awkward around me maybe? or am i just beating myself up for nothing?

This is very typical of Yahoo Answers.  “Does he like me?” is probably the most frequently asked question of all, followed by “how do I tell her I like her?” and “How do I lose X pounds in Y days?”  The lack of capitalization is also very typical.  I said:

If he’s more comfortable talking with your friend, it may be that he’s more comfortable looking at and talking to her than you because you make him nervous… because he likes you.

What I’ve been learning is that boys are usually clueless about girls and girls are pretty damn clueless about boys, most of the time.

Lesbian gf says she wants to look straight near hot guys?! What does that mean?

My gf just told me that she loves dressing gay but when she knows she is going to be somewhere around hot guys she wants to look straight. :/ would thus unconsciously apply that she wants to still look available for guys she finds attractive? Does it mean she secretly still wants to be with a guy? Should i leave this relationship? We have been together for 3 years and she has cheated on me for a guy b4. 😦

She’s attracted to guys and likes getting attention from them.  It’s not a secret at all.  It might have been a secret at one time, but it became pretty damn obvious once she cheated with a guy.

She sounds like someone who is a lesbian by choice.  I like that she “loves dressing gay.”

Americans should not care about the royal wedding?

our founding fathers led a revolution to get away from
england and have our own independence and i think its
anti american and anti patriotic to be all hyped up about
the british royal family our presidents are our royal
family so start honoring the presidents like clinton bush
obama washington and jefferson those are my royal
family who i declair my loyalty to where do my fellow
patriots stand?
This is also typical, using the site as a soapbox, in clear violation of site’s community guidelines.  I said:
I’m an American and I don’t know what wedding you’re talking about.
How’s that for not caring?
This was honestly the first I’d heard of such a thing, and I do now remember feeling the same way when I didn’t have internet and had to watch TV instead.  Back in the day, everything Princess Diana ever did was somehow newsworthy.  She seemed like a nice lady, but who honestly gives a fuck?  Now, however, I’m curious to see who’s getting married because Disney taught me that princesses are always super smokin-hot.  Let’s see…
Kate Middleton:
Hmm, she’s got a respectable body, but that face is just… not what you’d expect.  She looks kind of old to be marrying a prince.  I’m pretty sure if I was prince of whatever the hell Prince Bill is the prince of, I’d have higher standards.  She looks pretty good in some pictures and pretty blah in others, which just isn’t good enough to be a princess when you’re not born into royalty in my not so terribly humble opinion.  A princess should be one of the most beautiful women in the world.
Okay, I don’t know if posting the actual answers I used on there is a good move for Dear Asshole because I’ve found that you really need to be not be an asshole on Yahoo Answers.  The users are annoyingly sensitive to my insensitivity.

Dear Asshole

26 01 2010

From here:

DEAR ABBY: I have chosen to celebrate my children’s birthdays with family and one friend. I want my children to understand early on that birthdays are not about getting loads of gifts, but to celebrate life with family. We are invited to many parties for their friends and classmates, but I have always chosen to attend only those of our close friends.

I find it disheartening to watch children these days rip into a bunch of gifts and toss them aside without saying thank you or even commenting on the gift. It’s all about the next package and the volume.

Because of this, I’m considering no longer giving a gift but making a donation to a charity in honor of the birthday boy or girl instead. But I’m worried about the reaction I’ll get from friends. On the other hand, I feel much better about donating to a worthwhile charity instead of another toy for children who already have so much these days. Is a donation appropriate instead of a gift? — WONDERING IN BIRMINGHAM

DEAR WIB: You are one miserable cunt. A donation to charity in someone else’s honor is fucking snotty, stuck-up, and stupid thing to “give” to an adult, but to try this lame move with little kids displays a hatred for all that is fun. You say something about celebrating life, but you have to know that doing this would only confuse and disappoint these kids. It might not bother you if other people’s children don’t like you, but you’re setting your own kids up to be hated. Ask your therapist why you need to make other people miserable to to feel good about yourself. This is the kind of stuff they’ll remember at your funeral.

DEAR ABBY: “Happy Being Me in Massachusetts” (Nov. 20) is a large girl whose mother told her “heavy women are not desirable.” Well, I was a size 18/20 and weighed more than 200 pounds when I met my husband while out with mutual friends. He’s good-looking, smart, witty, affectionate and passionate. He’s everything a woman looks for in a life partner.He had never dated a plus-size woman before, but he was smitten from the moment he saw me, and pursued me from the start because he thought I have a beautiful face and a great personality. We have one child and another on the way, and he finds me as appealing now as he did the night we met.

No woman should ever “settle” for a partner, and “Happy” should not do so just because her mother thinks she’s “too heavy.” That mother is trying to pass her low self-esteem issues along to her daughter, and I hope “Happy” is savvy enough to brush it off. Big girls can be sexy, too, because there’s nothing sexier than confidence. — MICHELLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MIM: With the lone exception of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, everybody settles. Your husband certainly did. If he’s happy, good for him. However, big girls really can’t be sexy in the eyes of most men and a hot body is several orders of magnitude sexier than confidence for men. Confidence is the primary trait in attracting women, but physical appearance is primary to attracting men.

Some advice for young people

7 09 2009

For girls:

Don’t be a stripper.

For boys:

Don’t date strippers.

Hi Hope

24 07 2009

The following is a response to A message to young women by Hope. She posted a comment on Roissy’s blog, and I don’t think she really gets it. The thing I noticed about her post is that she gives a bunch of advice, commands really, to young women without any explanation as to why they should listen, let alone do as she says. I get the feeling that Hope wants girls to learn the lessons that she had to learn the hard way, but that could be a misread.

Now, I like to advise young men to avoid the military and not to get married. However, there is absolutely no talking a guy out of either of these things if he’s already made up his mind. The best I can do is scare the crap out of him. Reason will not work. Hell, that’s another piece of advice I like to give everyone – it is very difficult to change someone’s mind with reason. Sure, you can technically win a debate and perhaps persuade a third party, but almost all modern humans are immune to logic when it contradicts whatever the hell they feel like believing. Hope doesn’t even try that. She just tells people what to do. I don’t get that.

She’s telling girls to stay away from men who “play the field.”

Men will always find beautiful women attractive. But…

Is this really so regrettable? Men are attracted to attractive women and women are attracted to attractive men. How terrible is this? It seems to have served the species well once upon a time. Of course, this is unfortunate for unattractive people, but it is not a bad for women in general or men in general.

…upstanding men will take care of their women and family, and will not jeopardize their monogamous relationships for a quick fling. The trick is distinguishing between the honorable, loving and committed kind of men from the kind that only see women as sex objects.

There’s a false dilema here. It is quite possible to be upstanding and honorable without being monogamous or committed to anyone in particular. I don’t know exactly what it means to see women only as sex objects. My image of someone who sees women that way is a guy who fantasizes about women when he pleasures himself, but doesn’t seem to know how to interact with them in real life or that, like us, they’re people too. The player is less preoccupied with sex and may well enjoy interaction with the fairer sex for it’s own sake rather than as a means to an end, though not necessarily. Some, may well be sex addicts with little interest in the person they’re fucking, but I think many are more addicted to women themselves than anything else. I really take issue with the way she seperates men into the committed and the players, as if all single dudes are “playing the field”, like there something wrong with a guy who’s not in a serious relationship, never mind that the guy could have been totally committed to a woman who got bored with him and left him.

Some men base their morality on self-interest and believe that women are inherently inferior to men. They justify their views on women not with reason but with feelings sprung from their groins. Such men are opportunists. They prey on women who believe they have no personal worth outside of their physical appearance, and who will meekly submit to any man showing a bit of dominance and status.

Do not fall for them. Do not believe their lies.

Apparently, this is her description of a player. Pick-up, it seems, is necessarily some sort of immoral trickery, and to practice it is to see women as inferior. Certainly, there are ethically objectionable methods of picking up women, but the whole game is not automatically evil. God is not so cruel. At the most superficial level, pick-up is about lines, tricks, and gimmicks. Mainly it’s the skill of being attractive to women. At the deepest level, it’s almost a self-help thing – becoming a better version of yourself. The tricks are seen as a crutch.

Stay away from men who refuse to acknowledge that women have inherent worth outside of sex, who cannot see the inner beauty that exist within the tender, sweet, intelligent women who possess a great deal of personal depth.

Dear ladies, if a man only values you for sex, he’s clearly not a keeper. However, if all men only value you for sex, you’re not a keeper. Women are just as capable of being worthless as men, although the consequences are less severe. I sense some hostility toward the hot girls, as it apparently a virtue to be attracted to women who have all the positive traits that aren’t physical beauty.

She goes on, telling girls not to be slutty…

Ignore men who are so focused on outward appearances and who insist on all women putting out all the time. They mistake the world as a giant “meet them, use them and dump them” club.

Some men might want emotionless sex, but many women do not — many men do not either! Is sex important? Absolutely. But don’t settle for sex with men who just want to use you for your body.

Why not? I’m not arguing that girls ought to be sluts, but I really want to know why she thinks they shouldn’t.  What are the consequences?

She goes on telling girls to exercise and to learn how to cook clean, to not dress slutty, and to look for men who are not slutty and superficial.  Great! Wifey stuff!