Dear Sanityinjection

3 03 2010

Sanity Injection attempted to inject some sanity into my thoughts on that Weekly Standard article.

Most of what is written about dating – including your article – is an attempt to take something relatively simple and make it complicated.

I can’t imagine what would motivate anyone to think this. Dating and mating are not simple at all. What we see is a highly competitive marketplace where the products try to sell themselves. Some are very bad at it. Some are not. There are a great deal of men who have a very limited success with women and women who don’t understand why the men they like will sleep with them but won’t commit to them. There are marriages that wives inexplicably and suddenly end after four or so years of apparent happiness. A great many people are dissatisfied with their love lives and some of them are extremely so. Much of this suffering, I think, stems from people holding false beliefs, and much of that comes from feminism. I’m trying to get people to see how they’re wrong, and I think Charlotte Allen’s article does a damn good job of that. Considering how quickly you responded, I’m doubtful that you actually read it.

Most people do not interact with the opposite sex based on evolutionary theory or tips from Cosmo.

People do not (not normally anyway) consciously act based on their understanding of evolutionary theory. Evolutionary psychology derives from observing how people interact. Are you saying that biology plays no role? However right or wrong our theory may be, our biology rules us. Why would you think other? Cosmo, and other women’s and girls’ magazines have been played a huge role in telling girls what is and isn’t okay, like sex on the third date.

In fact, whole eons of humanity have managed to successfully perpetuate the species without any expert advice at all, except perhaps from their own friends and family.

It is one thing to perpetuate. It is quite another to thrive. Advanced civilizations did not spring about with people running around doing whatever they feel like. For that, social norms were constructed to persuade people to restrain themselves in order to benefit larger groups.

The chief cause of most of the unhappiness that beglooms the dating world is the ubiquitous lying by both men and women. Women lie to themselves, men lie to women, and that leads to game-playing by both genders. If everyone would simply be honest about what they really want – whether it be casual sex, marriage or something in between – it would be much easier for everybody.

I’m quite honest myself and I appreciate honesty. However, that’s not the problem. People lie to get what they want, or to get more of what they want than they would if they were honest. You can call that cheating, or just accept it. No amount of protest will change it. Women lie to themselves to make peace with their own behavior. This tendency seems biologically driven and it seems to allow them to move on much better than men can. Once again, protest or accept it. It’s not going to change.

Also, being upfront and open about what you want is an idea that appeals to men, but it does not appeal to women. When a woman first sees me, she doesn’t yet know what she wants from me. It is my job to show her. I cannot simply tell her, and I sure as hell can’t ask her. It just doesn’t work that way.

You can talk all you want about alpha and beta males and men acting like men, but at bottom, people are who they are. If a guy is a hand-wringing pussy, no attempt to mimic more dominant behavior is going to work long-term.

There are a great many who disagree with that. I am no natural alpha, but I’m definitely not the chicken-shit social retard that I was at 19. It seems quite natural for men like me to improve socially as they age, even without  intending to. Actively improving oneself can work much faster. Men who are bad with women lack confidence and a lot of confidence can be gained simply by willing it. Think of how men on sports teams (football, in particular) build confidence in one-another by yelling and grunting. “Fake it ’till you make it” is much better advice than the age-old “be yourself.”

I shall quote Roissy:

XI.  Be irrationally self-confident

No matter what your station in life, stride through the world without apology or excuse. It does not matter if objectively you are not the best man a woman can get; what matters is that you think and act like you are. Women have a dog’s instinct for uncovering weakness in men; don’t make it easy for them. Self-confidence, warranted or not, triggers submissive emotional responses in women. Irrational self-confidence will get you more pussy than rational defeatism.

You do not need a reason to be confident other than knowing that it works.