Dear Asshole, Volume 3

4 12 2010

The following was stolen from Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 40 years. Five years ago, she told me she didn’t want me in our bedroom and that she is “off limits.” She said she is not interested in me “that way” anymore.

Other than that, we have a great marriage

and we’re best friends, but I can’t go on like this. I have suggested counseling, but she refuses to go. What do you think I should do? — MISSING THE KISSING

Other than not having sex or even sharing a bedroom you have a great marriage? You are roommates. Whatever romantic interest she ever had in you is gone, long gone. It was probably long gone before she kicked you out of her bedroom, and your putting up with this behavior has only made you less attractive. If you want kissing, you’re going to have to find a willing partner, which will not be your wife. Ever.  It’s over. Give up.

Some people have far less serious problems. I envy them, that they have enough time on their hands to write some to lady about the silly shit that inexplicably causes them grief.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of the groom. My husband and I are hosting the wedding rehearsal dinner. The bride’s mother informed me that she is going to have a slide show of the bride’s and groom’s baby pictures at the dinner.What do you think of this practice? I thought she should have at least asked my permission. I did tell her I was not a fan of the idea because I was at a wedding reception where it was done and the comments from the guests were not complimentary. Please comment. — TASTEFUL MOM IN NEW YORK

Holy crap, lady! The comments from the guests were not complimentary? Were they funny? You probably wouldn’t know. You sound like the kind of soulless dried-up cunt who finds nothing but discomfort in all flavors of humor. Have fun at the reception!

I’m looking for other advice columns to steal letters from, but I keep finding advice that isn’t bad enough.

Example 1 – Amy Alkon

Example 2 – Dan Savage





Dear Asshole, Volume 2

28 02 2010

Dear Abby is funny to me. People come to her with some of the most inane non-problems I’ve ever heard anyone complain about, and sometimes they ask for help with very serious problems, but whatever the case, every question is worded in the most gentle of tones as if everything were a question about etiquette.

DEAR ABBY: The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?

You guessed it. He said, “Giving up sex with you.” I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.

I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband’s life. Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken? — LOST THE BATTLE TO CHARDONNAY

Oh, that’s funny. But seriously, Ugly Wife, your letter is lacking on details. We don’t know how much he drinks, how old either of you are, how long you’ve been married, or what you look like. It may be that your husband’s a serious alcoholic and knows he can’t live without his wine. It could be that you husband’s sex drive has fallen to zero for some medical reason. It might be that he doesn’t find you sexually attractive. If you’re writing to Dear Abby, you’re probably old and overweight. So it’s probably mostly that one. To answer your question, yes, it is wrong to feel so heartbroken.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is constantly passing gas. She does not care where she is or who is around. I have worked in the trucking industry for almost 30 years and never ran across anyone as flatulent as she is.She is young and attractive, but there is nothing less appealing than feeling “frisky,” getting into bed and hearing the trumpet sounds. I have recommended she see a doctor, but she laughs it off and says, “Everyone does it.”

I can’t believe I’m the only one with this problem. I could really use some “sound” advice, Abby. — BLOWN AWAY IN ALLIANCE, OHIO

This is clearly a joke. Girls don’t fart.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend is very sweet. The problem is, she wants to have sex with me. I don’t think I am ready for that. I also don’t know how to approach my parents about this. I really need some help — fast! — NOT READY IN PENNSYLVANIA

Poor kid. What should he do?

DEAR ABBY: My mother recently passed away. She and Dad were married 52 happy years. Over the years, Mom received a few Christmas cards from “Linda,” my brother’s girlfriend 30 years ago.Dad found Linda’s address and let her know about Mom’s passing. Now he says he and Linda have become good friends. Dad says they’re “only friends” and Linda is someone he can talk to. We are very upset about whatever relationship they have. My brother and I and our children want to be the ones to comfort Dad and be comforted by him. It has been only two months since Mom’s death.

He talks to Linda about everything. They have even discussed the details of Mom’s grave marker. Linda says Dad is the father she never had. (Her father is still living.) I confronted Dad about it, and we had a huge argument. Are we wrong and insensitive for disapproving of his closeness with this woman? — FALLING APART IN TEXAS

Yes and yes. Be happy that he apparently waited for your mom to die before he got close to another woman.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 13 years and have two children, 7 and 9. About a year ago, my 41-year-old husband befriended an 11-year-old neighbor girl, “Lacey.” Lacey is charming, friendly and plays with my children.

They did this on “Curb Your Enthusiasm”

I have told my husband I am concerned and that it may be an unhealthy relationship, but he becomes angry and insulted and says it’s an innocent friendship. Others have also voiced their concerns to him because they see the same things I do. On the other hand, her parents think the friendship is innocent.

Abby, am I overreacting? Should I view it as an innocent friendship, or could there really be a problem? — WORRIED WIFE DOWN SOUTH

It scares the crap out of people when adults are friends with children they aren’t related to, especially male adults and female children. It probably should, but people who have “neighborhood socials” are likely prone to overreact to shit that doesn’t matter. I wonder if this guy will start an adult relationship with Lacey 30 years from now when his current wife dies. I further if he’s considered this. I have no advice for the woman. I just wanted to share this. Depending on the details, this could be pretty bad.

EDIT: I don’t know what happened, but the first part of the last letter got cut out. I put it back now.





Dear Asshole

26 01 2010

From here:

DEAR ABBY: I have chosen to celebrate my children’s birthdays with family and one friend. I want my children to understand early on that birthdays are not about getting loads of gifts, but to celebrate life with family. We are invited to many parties for their friends and classmates, but I have always chosen to attend only those of our close friends.

I find it disheartening to watch children these days rip into a bunch of gifts and toss them aside without saying thank you or even commenting on the gift. It’s all about the next package and the volume.

Because of this, I’m considering no longer giving a gift but making a donation to a charity in honor of the birthday boy or girl instead. But I’m worried about the reaction I’ll get from friends. On the other hand, I feel much better about donating to a worthwhile charity instead of another toy for children who already have so much these days. Is a donation appropriate instead of a gift? — WONDERING IN BIRMINGHAM

DEAR WIB: You are one miserable cunt. A donation to charity in someone else’s honor is fucking snotty, stuck-up, and stupid thing to “give” to an adult, but to try this lame move with little kids displays a hatred for all that is fun. You say something about celebrating life, but you have to know that doing this would only confuse and disappoint these kids. It might not bother you if other people’s children don’t like you, but you’re setting your own kids up to be hated. Ask your therapist why you need to make other people miserable to to feel good about yourself. This is the kind of stuff they’ll remember at your funeral.

DEAR ABBY: “Happy Being Me in Massachusetts” (Nov. 20) is a large girl whose mother told her “heavy women are not desirable.” Well, I was a size 18/20 and weighed more than 200 pounds when I met my husband while out with mutual friends. He’s good-looking, smart, witty, affectionate and passionate. He’s everything a woman looks for in a life partner.He had never dated a plus-size woman before, but he was smitten from the moment he saw me, and pursued me from the start because he thought I have a beautiful face and a great personality. We have one child and another on the way, and he finds me as appealing now as he did the night we met.

No woman should ever “settle” for a partner, and “Happy” should not do so just because her mother thinks she’s “too heavy.” That mother is trying to pass her low self-esteem issues along to her daughter, and I hope “Happy” is savvy enough to brush it off. Big girls can be sexy, too, because there’s nothing sexier than confidence. — MICHELLE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MIM: With the lone exception of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, everybody settles. Your husband certainly did. If he’s happy, good for him. However, big girls really can’t be sexy in the eyes of most men and a hot body is several orders of magnitude sexier than confidence for men. Confidence is the primary trait in attracting women, but physical appearance is primary to attracting men.