Why do Nice Guys Finish Last?

6 06 2012

This feels like such a cliche question to which everyone figured out the answer years ago, but it’s not. Dudes are still asking this as I type. Alex on Yahoo Answers said:

Women always talk about how they want a guy to be nice to them, but whenever i try this I get friendzoned. I’m seriously thinking that being a total d-bag towards women is the way to get them, because a lot of my friends treat women like crap, but do well with them. I always respect and try to understand women, and they tell me that I’m so sweet and cute. THEN they tell me about this guy they like who I know for a fact is a total d-bag. BAM immediate friendzone!! I’m not the best looking, but I’m definitely not totally ugly, and I’m pretty short for my age. Unless someone convinces me otherwise, I’m just gonna start being a jerk to women, because I know being nice to them will just make me “a sweet guy”. Will it ever change as I get older? I’m in high school. Do women even care about personality, because I’m starting to think they’re even shallower than we are. help me!!!

Okay, I’ll help you. First, you’re in high school and you’re presumably talking about girls who are also in high school, yet you call them “women.” Stop this! It’s weird and indicates that you deliberately misinterpret the behavior of these strange creatures. Women do not generally whine about wanting guys to be nice to them. This is something girls do.

If there’s one thing you need to know about girls it’s that they’re full of shit. Girls don’t talk to inform or convey ideas. They talk to handle and express their emotions. Their words are not to be taken seriously or literally. When she says she wants a guy to be nice, she’s expressing frustration with a guy not being nice, and if she weren’t into this guy, she wouldn’t be frustrated about it.

Girls are generally as clueless as you are about social dynamics and what they’re actually attracted to. Female humans are attracted to males with social status. Strength, power, wealth, popularity, dressing like a clown, and not giving a shit are things that convey this status. High school girls don’t understand this. They may actually want a guy who is nice without realizing that a nice guy does nothing for them. If there’s a difference between girls and women, it’s that women have a firmer grasp on who does and who doesn’t make them moist and why, and they’re also more apt to laugh at the sillier traits that work so well on younger chicks.

When a girl says you’re sweet or cute (to your face), she’s expressing the emotion she feels when she sees basket of kittens, except that you’re not actually that cute. She feels comfortable using words like this at you because they’re superficially good words. It sounds like a compliment, but, as you seem to realize, she’s actually expressing that she couldn’t even imagine liking you like that. The best course of action when you hear such words is to protest loudly and prove such accusations wrong. A completely inappropriate ass-slap during a heart-felt hug would be one way to do this. Pulling your dick out is probably ill-advised, but at least you don’t have to worry about going to real jail if you’re under 18.

Alex, things will change. Girls get a bit more sensible as they get older and become women, but this is not something you should wait or plan for. A 35 year-old woman can be shockingly childish. The big thing that will change is you. Even if you avoid actively bettering yourself with the ladyfolk, you’ll still manage to get laid by accident here and there and that will change your outlook enough to do okay.

We’re Different! Part II

16 02 2010

D. Lynn Thompson writes:

Of course genders are different. Anyone who says otherwise is not too terribly observant. Gender is not something that can be removed. All people “do gender” in some fashion. To say that all members of any gender are the same, however would be misguided and equally unobservant.

Actually, part of my inspiration for the topic comes from a series of posts by someone who goes by 11minutes over at alpha status, titled “Women are all the same.” I highly recommend this for everyone, and I’ll link them all since they’re not all together. If you despise gender stereotyping and/or pick-up artistry, you might want to skip it.

Women are all the same: Part IPart IIPart IIIPart IV, & Part V

He contends that within genders, we are very much alike in terms of what we are attracted to, that we all want the same thing. Men all want physically attractive young women, and women all want the alpha male. They more literally want the same thing, as there is only one best. Attracting women is the number one thing a man can do to attract other women. A complaint that men often have is that women are interested in them when they are seeing someone and ignore them when they are single. This is why “yes” might just be the best answer to the questi0n “is she your girlfriend?”

In Part IV, 11minutes links to an interesting study showing differences between the qualities in a mate that people report looking for, and their behavior. Within genders, the behavior is quite similar, with men going for physical beauty and women going for earning potential. Now, the actual subjects of the study are young college students, and we don’t know if people in their 30’s or 40’s behave the same way.

D. Lynn Thompson asked:

Why are women sluts and whores but not men? Men can be, of course, but the labels are not generally there.

Really? That old question? The basis of this double standard is, I’m sure, genetic. For a male to ensure that his genes pass on, he needs to make sure he’s the one who gets his woman pregnant. This is a problem that obviously doesn’t exist for females. Females, as in other mammals, are attracted to the alpha. Whether or not they like this fact or even understand it, as I was saying above, women are drawn to men that other women are drawn to. There is a flip-side to this double standard which is that female virgins are prized while male virgins are considered losers. “Nice guys” do complain about this, and their frustration seems to stem from expecting women to be like they are and value purity. Pure women do not complain about this.

Basically, the difference between the sexes are more significant than we prefer to believe and similarities within the sexes in terms of mate selection are stronger than we think. If we recognize that these traits are more than cultural inventions, we can direct less energy at protesting them and more toward dealing with things as they are. I do think that many or all traits that primarily belong to one gender are sometimes present in the other. There are alpha females sometimes.