Dear Asshole, Volume 3

4 12 2010

The following was stolen from Dear Abby:

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 40 years. Five years ago, she told me she didn’t want me in our bedroom and that she is “off limits.” She said she is not interested in me “that way” anymore.

Other than that, we have a great marriage

and we’re best friends, but I can’t go on like this. I have suggested counseling, but she refuses to go. What do you think I should do? — MISSING THE KISSING

Other than not having sex or even sharing a bedroom you have a great marriage? You are roommates. Whatever romantic interest she ever had in you is gone, long gone. It was probably long gone before she kicked you out of her bedroom, and your putting up with this behavior has only made you less attractive. If you want kissing, you’re going to have to find a willing partner, which will not be your wife. Ever.  It’s over. Give up.

Some people have far less serious problems. I envy them, that they have enough time on their hands to write some to lady about the silly shit that inexplicably causes them grief.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of the groom. My husband and I are hosting the wedding rehearsal dinner. The bride’s mother informed me that she is going to have a slide show of the bride’s and groom’s baby pictures at the dinner.What do you think of this practice? I thought she should have at least asked my permission. I did tell her I was not a fan of the idea because I was at a wedding reception where it was done and the comments from the guests were not complimentary. Please comment. — TASTEFUL MOM IN NEW YORK

Holy crap, lady! The comments from the guests were not complimentary? Were they funny? You probably wouldn’t know. You sound like the kind of soulless dried-up cunt who finds nothing but discomfort in all flavors of humor. Have fun at the reception!

I’m looking for other advice columns to steal letters from, but I keep finding advice that isn’t bad enough.

Example 1 – Amy Alkon

Example 2 – Dan Savage