Why do Nice Guys Finish Last?

6 06 2012

This feels like such a cliche question to which everyone figured out the answer years ago, but it’s not. Dudes are still asking this as I type. Alex on Yahoo Answers said:

Women always talk about how they want a guy to be nice to them, but whenever i try this I get friendzoned. I’m seriously thinking that being a total d-bag towards women is the way to get them, because a lot of my friends treat women like crap, but do well with them. I always respect and try to understand women, and they tell me that I’m so sweet and cute. THEN they tell me about this guy they like who I know for a fact is a total d-bag. BAM immediate friendzone!! I’m not the best looking, but I’m definitely not totally ugly, and I’m pretty short for my age. Unless someone convinces me otherwise, I’m just gonna start being a jerk to women, because I know being nice to them will just make me “a sweet guy”. Will it ever change as I get older? I’m in high school. Do women even care about personality, because I’m starting to think they’re even shallower than we are. help me!!!

Okay, I’ll help you. First, you’re in high school and you’re presumably talking about girls who are also in high school, yet you call them “women.” Stop this! It’s weird and indicates that you deliberately misinterpret the behavior of these strange creatures. Women do not generally whine about wanting guys to be nice to them. This is something girls do.

If there’s one thing you need to know about girls it’s that they’re full of shit. Girls don’t talk to inform or convey ideas. They talk to handle and express their emotions. Their words are not to be taken seriously or literally. When she says she wants a guy to be nice, she’s expressing frustration with a guy not being nice, and if she weren’t into this guy, she wouldn’t be frustrated about it.

Girls are generally as clueless as you are about social dynamics and what they’re actually attracted to. Female humans are attracted to males with social status. Strength, power, wealth, popularity, dressing like a clown, and not giving a shit are things that convey this status. High school girls don’t understand this. They may actually want a guy who is nice without realizing that a nice guy does nothing for them. If there’s a difference between girls and women, it’s that women have a firmer grasp on who does and who doesn’t make them moist and why, and they’re also more apt to laugh at the sillier traits that work so well on younger chicks.

When a girl says you’re sweet or cute (to your face), she’s expressing the emotion she feels when she sees basket of kittens, except that you’re not actually that cute. She feels comfortable using words like this at you because they’re superficially good words. It sounds like a compliment, but, as you seem to realize, she’s actually expressing that she couldn’t even imagine liking you like that. The best course of action when you hear such words is to protest loudly and prove such accusations wrong. A completely inappropriate ass-slap during a heart-felt hug would be one way to do this. Pulling your dick out is probably ill-advised, but at least you don’t have to worry about going to real jail if you’re under 18.

Alex, things will change. Girls get a bit more sensible as they get older and become women, but this is not something you should wait or plan for. A 35 year-old woman can be shockingly childish. The big thing that will change is you. Even if you avoid actively bettering yourself with the ladyfolk, you’ll still manage to get laid by accident here and there and that will change your outlook enough to do okay.

Dr. Michael

21 04 2011

So I’ve been answering people’s stupid questions on Yahoo Answers for a while and today I stumbled upon a question answerer who blew my mind.  He goes by Dr. Michael and his avatar looks like a physician in a lab coat.  It’s only his third day on the site.  Every day people ask how they can lose weight as if they’re going to get a better answer than everyone else who already asked that question.  Some people are 350 lbs overweight and some are 3.5.  The answers they get are mostly wrong.  Today some fat girl asked how to lose weight, how many calories she should eat, and what kind of food she could eat.  I instantly responded with:

Avoid carbs. It really is that simple.

Others advised Weight Watchers, 2 hours of daily exercise, dietary fat avoidance, get a trainer, and other shit she won’t do and wouldn’t work if she did.  Later, I went back and saw this by Dr. Michael:

Google “keto” diet or “ketosis” diet. It is a high protein low carb diet. Don’t fall victim to the “low fat diet” and counting calories. Low fat diets are high carb diets and will pack on the fat. Another side effect of low fat diets is depression and hormone imbalance since humans require animal fat for survival. Limit your carbs to 25-45 grams a day and avoid sugar totally. If you eat more than 4 grams of sugar in one setting, and you do not burn the excess sugar immediately, then it will be stored as fat. When you are on a keto diet, your body goes into ketosis. This means that your body will not have carbs to burn immediately for energy as needed so it will start breaking down body fat into “ketones” that will mimic a carb and be burned for energy. That’s why the diet is called a keto diet.

Also avoid artificial sweeteners such as Equal and Splenda, they will spike insulin levels. Instead, use saccharine or stevia sweeteners. A lot of drinks have the bad artificial sweeteners in them.

Losing body fat is all about controlling your metabolism. The best way to increase your metabolism is to weight train. Google “high intensity training” also known as “H.I.T.” or “Nautilus workout”. The stronger you are the more calories you will burn at rest. One pound of muscle requires 7 to 15 calories a day to maintain.

You can also increase your metabolism by eating often. Your stomach empties every 2hours, so try eating a small meal or snack every 2 hours or so. By doing this your body will always be digesting food thus increasing your metabolism. Your body will think you are in a “rich” environment, so to speak, and will be less inclined to store fat for survival.

Hope this helps!

If you don’t know, this is what I hold to be true.  I guess I can safely delete my answer.  I don’t really know about that last part, eating more often to boost metabolism, but it makes sense intuitively.  Is this Dr. Michael the very Dr. Michael Eades whose blog I have a link to over there on the right?

Dear Asshole, Volume 4

14 04 2011

The following questions are from Yahoo Answers, which is my new addiction.  My answer to each question was picked as the best answer.

Where can I purchase boxes for shipping?

I am trying to find out where I can buy boxes to ship items out. The United States Postal Service gives you a variety of flat rate boxes to choose from, however it always seems that what I want to ship will not fit into any of them. Not to mention, it is almost always cheaper to ship them in your own box. Where can I find a variety of boxes in all sizes? Some of the places I have checked only have these designer boxes in fancy colors to choose from. All I want is a selection of cardboard boxes. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

UHaul and the UPS store sell boxes in certain sizes, but I prefer to get them for free from retail stores.  A 24-hour Walmart is your best bet if you go late at night while they’re stocking.  Tell someone working there you want boxes and they’ll probably give you a shopping cart full.  The asker was very pleased with this response.

Does it sound like this guy is interested in me?

there’s this guy i’m really into that i’ve been sneaking glances with for a while
and then someone introduced me n a friend to him, n altho he used to stare at me a lot, he was far more taken with my friend – talking to her more n making more eye contact with her.
he even goes up to her to make conversation whereas with me we both just say hi n that’s it

but he STILL looks at me!

like for instance today i was sitting with two of my friends, n i saw him (and he saw me) n we kinda looked at each other for a good three seconds before i just waved at me, then he made as if he didn’t notice it was me like he “looked closer” then waved back.. n we kept glancing at each other n stuff, n at one point he even pulled out a guitar n started playing quietly to himself (which is really out of character).

but then today he walks by my without as much of a glance.

does it mean anything? could he possibly be interested in me, but is just more taken with my friend because he feels awkward around me maybe? or am i just beating myself up for nothing?

This is very typical of Yahoo Answers.  “Does he like me?” is probably the most frequently asked question of all, followed by “how do I tell her I like her?” and “How do I lose X pounds in Y days?”  The lack of capitalization is also very typical.  I said:

If he’s more comfortable talking with your friend, it may be that he’s more comfortable looking at and talking to her than you because you make him nervous… because he likes you.

What I’ve been learning is that boys are usually clueless about girls and girls are pretty damn clueless about boys, most of the time.

Lesbian gf says she wants to look straight near hot guys?! What does that mean?

My gf just told me that she loves dressing gay but when she knows she is going to be somewhere around hot guys she wants to look straight. :/ would thus unconsciously apply that she wants to still look available for guys she finds attractive? Does it mean she secretly still wants to be with a guy? Should i leave this relationship? We have been together for 3 years and she has cheated on me for a guy b4. 😦

She’s attracted to guys and likes getting attention from them.  It’s not a secret at all.  It might have been a secret at one time, but it became pretty damn obvious once she cheated with a guy.

She sounds like someone who is a lesbian by choice.  I like that she “loves dressing gay.”

Americans should not care about the royal wedding?

our founding fathers led a revolution to get away from
england and have our own independence and i think its
anti american and anti patriotic to be all hyped up about
the british royal family our presidents are our royal
family so start honoring the presidents like clinton bush
obama washington and jefferson those are my royal
family who i declair my loyalty to where do my fellow
patriots stand?
This is also typical, using the site as a soapbox, in clear violation of site’s community guidelines.  I said:
I’m an American and I don’t know what wedding you’re talking about.
How’s that for not caring?
This was honestly the first I’d heard of such a thing, and I do now remember feeling the same way when I didn’t have internet and had to watch TV instead.  Back in the day, everything Princess Diana ever did was somehow newsworthy.  She seemed like a nice lady, but who honestly gives a fuck?  Now, however, I’m curious to see who’s getting married because Disney taught me that princesses are always super smokin-hot.  Let’s see…
Kate Middleton:
Hmm, she’s got a respectable body, but that face is just… not what you’d expect.  She looks kind of old to be marrying a prince.  I’m pretty sure if I was prince of whatever the hell Prince Bill is the prince of, I’d have higher standards.  She looks pretty good in some pictures and pretty blah in others, which just isn’t good enough to be a princess when you’re not born into royalty in my not so terribly humble opinion.  A princess should be one of the most beautiful women in the world.
Okay, I don’t know if posting the actual answers I used on there is a good move for Dear Asshole because I’ve found that you really need to be not be an asshole on Yahoo Answers.  The users are annoyingly sensitive to my insensitivity.